ME: I know it's probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight! BEER: Hey buddy, don't be putting words in my mouth now.

Your cell should have a 'drunk mode' like 'airplane mode' so that no text messages or tweets leave your phone but you can still call a taxi.

[turns to buddy just before bar fight] "I'll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja"

For the longest time I thought a jetski was what people who say "brewski" for "beer" call an airplane.