Willy Jokes

The opposite of "Free Willy" is "Predestinationy."

My diet has slowly gone from balanced and nutritious to Augustus Gloop on the first stop of Willy Wonka's tour.

A cowboy walks into a bar, a few miles West of Brokeback Mountain, and, after two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. 'What the hell,' he says to himself, 'I really want a drink.' When the bartender approaches, he says to the cowboy, 'What's the name of your 'willy'?' The cowboy says, 'Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink.' The bartender says, 'I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your 'willy'. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan 'Just Do …

Magical meadow (Russian translated) An Elk walking in the forest hears strange tiny noises ""oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah"", he follows the voice and sees a small Hedgehog running in cercles on the meadow. He stops the hedgehog and asks him : - Hey my friend what are you doing ? - I just discovered this meadow and I think it's magical! Just run like me and you will feel amazing ! Elk interested shakes the head and starts running. After 15 minutes of intensive jogging Elk is completely tired he stops,…

My girlfriend told me to wash my willy I said no, it was the only way for me to make her gag

A man has a 50 note tattooed on his willy His wife says to him ""Why have you done that!?"" He replies ""For one, I like to see my money grow; two, I like to play with my money; thrid, I like to have money in my hand and finally the next time you want to blow fifty quid you can stay at home and do it.

My friend Billy... My friend Billy, Had an eight foot willy, dragged along the kitchen floor. His girl thought it was a snake, and whacked it with a rake and now it's only three foot four.

I Love Willy In his first day working in an old folks home a young man is bed bathing an old lady. He noticed a tattoo and in an attempt to start conversation he comments; ""I like your tattoo, what is it is says?"" He strains his eyes to read it (wrinkles and all). ""I love Willy""? ""That's right son, I was 19 when I got that done, I am 89 now and 70 years later, nothing has changed, I still love Willy"". ""Who's Willy?"" ""Oh, you know, just anyone's willy"".

I hate how Apple took away the headphone socket all willy-nilly It's like it means jack shit to them

Picking up a Sea World Protestor Should we go back to my place, free willy and see how long Tilikum? Guaranteed Soak-Zone.

Winners don't do drugs... It chaffs the willy.

Roid sage Paddy says to Mick... ""Them steroids are nasty things Michael - in fact I heard only last week that they can have some odd side effects - from severe headaches to actually growing an extra willy! Would you believe that - an extra willy!"" ""Anabolic?"" asks Mick ""No"" said Paddy ""Just a willy....

What do you call a whale that isn't wearing any underwear? Free Willy

Sixteen-year-old Sally tiptoes into the confession box in the Holy Martyred Virgins' Church, where Father Fumble is sitting. ""Father,"" whispers Sally, ""I have sinned!"" ... ... ""Tell me all about it!"" replies the young priest. ""Well, Father,"" continues Sally, ""my boyfriend Willy came home with me the other day, and I took him to my room."" ""Really?"" says Father Fumble. ""And what happened in there?"" ""Well, Father,"" continues Sally, ""Willy pushed me back onto the bed and started tak…

A Man and his daughter are out shopping and she sees a wonderful dress. She asks her dad if she can have the dress, he replies; ""You know the rules sweetie, if you want the dress, you have to blow me."" ""But you're my dad!"" She replies. ""Well, it depends if you want that dress""he counters. Reluctantly, she does it. Afterwards, she asks her father, ""Dad, why did your willy taste so weird?"", which the dad replies, ""Well, your brother wanted a bike.""

A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father: - Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there? The father, surprised, answers: - Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions. - Onions? - said the boy - Yes, see them and they make you cry, - the father replied. This infuriated the wife and daughter s…

Fresh Limerick There once was a lad from West Philly Who played basketball and got silly He fought with some brothers Which worried his mother Now he's know as Bel Air's Fresh Prince, Willy

A Guy named Billy A guy Named Billy Had a 10ft willy and took it to the neighbour next door She thought it was a snake She hit it was a rake Now its 6 foot 4 (Heard this when I was in primary school no hate :)

Archibal Assoulshot's first day at school This is a verbal joke, best told/read out loud. It's Archibald Assoulshot's first day of school. The teacher says: ""Now class, I want you all to welcome Archibald to the class. Archibald, will you stand up, say your name for the class, and spell it?"" Archibald stands up and says ""Yes ma'am I can do that. Archibald Assoulshot, A-r-c-h-i-b-a-l-d A-s-s-o-u-l-s-h-o-t"" The teacher says ""Very good, Archibald! But that's not how we spell our name here. Wil…

Eric is in Hospital Who the hell is Eric ? Well,Eric is the geezer who got home late one night: Marilyn his wife was waiting for him with .... ""Where the hell have you been?"" Eric replies ""I was getting a tattoo!"" ""A tattoo? What kind of tattoo did you get?"" ""I got a hundred quid note tattooed on my willy"" he said proudly. ""What the hell were you thinking?"" she said, shaking her head in disgust. ""Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a hundred quid note tattooed on his willy?"…

So I visited Willy Wonka's chocolate factory the other day.. Yeah the snozberries really did taste like snozberries but the dingleberries tasted like shit!

What film do you get when you pull your pants down? Free Willy

Some cowboys go to a saloon for a drink... Some rough-looking cowboys saunter into a seedy saloon looking to wet their whistles. ""Zeke, first round is on you!"" says the leader of the bunch. ""Sure thing, Duke"" says Zeke, and tosses a few coins on the bar. The bartender fills up the glasses, and the men finish off their first round in no time at all. ""Jeb, the second round is on you"" says Duke, and so continues the evening with Duke assigning each man to pay for a round. They are all getting…

When you give a wet-willy in a pool... It's just a willy.

A pirate walks into a bar ... A pirate walks into a bar. He's got it all, a parrot on his shoulder, a pirate-y sword at his belt, an eye-patch, the whole works. And he is also carrying his boat's steering wheel in front of his private parts. The bartender shouts: ""Oi, mate, you've got a steering wheel dangling in front of your willy!"" The pirate replies: ""Arrgh, it's driving me nuts!"" (Sorry for the bad English, it's not my first language.)