Ussr Jokes

During the communist rule in the USSR a big assembly was held and members of the communist party were giving speeches to the general public. The highest ranking official was making his speech and he proclaimed ""soon we will live even better!"". This was followed by a voice from the audience ""and what about us?!""

Armenian Radio This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: ""We are told that the communism is already seen at the horizon."" Then, what is a horizon?"" We're answering: ""Horizon is an imaginary line which moves away each time you approach it."" **And another one for good measure.** This is Armenian Radio; our listeners asked us: ""What is the difference between the Constitutions of the USA and USSR?"" Both guarantee freedom of speech."" We're answering: ""Yes, but the Constitution of the U…

In the old Russia, bevore USSR a small child comes home from the last day of school and holding his grade sheet yells to his revolutionary father ""Father! You know how you always say how bad our schooling system is? Now I have proof of it!""

Why didn't the USSR get anything done? They were Stalin

Mikhail Gorbachev wakes up late after a long night of worrying about the fate of the USSR over a bottle of vodka. He's so late, in fact, that he tells his slow-driving limo driver to get out of the car so he can drive himself to the Kremlin. He's speeding down the highway from his dacha into downtown Moscow when he blazes past a cop car on the side of the road. The first cop says to his partner, "Man, that guy's moving. Let's drive after him and give him a ticket!" The partner says, "I don't…

USSR jokes about America My dad told me this one was a classic when he lived in the former Soviet Union: So as you know, Russia and America would send spies against each other frequently. All American spies were mandated to learn Russian and all Russians English. Well so, the American spy gets dropped off in the middle of Siberia. Freezing, he goes to the nearest house and knocks. When the owner gets to the door, the spy says, "May I please have some shelter and food?" The owner of the ho…

Back in the days of the USSR, two men stood in a block-long line for cucumbers... Suddenly one of them snaps, and yells "This is an outrage! Waiting for hours for a couple of lousy cucumbers! I'm going to the Kremlin to assassinate the fools responsible for this!" and stomps off. A couple hours later, he's back. One of the other people in line asks "Did you kill the guy in the Kremlin?" The first guy responds "You think *this* line is long?"

Old Soviet joke - Children in the USSR Back in Soviet Russia, little Misha is being read to by his babysitter. She reads: 'In the USSR, kindegardens are filled with wonderful toys.' Misha listens with bright eyes. 'In the USSR, every child has a brand new bicycle.' Little Misha opens his eyes even wider. 'In the USSR, every child drinks hot cocoa for breakfast.' Little Misha starts crying his eyes out, bawling: 'I want to go to the USSR!'

Kennedy's USSR joke A man runs into the the Kremlin yelling, "the Premiere is an idiot the Premiere is an idiot". The man was immidetaly arrested by the KGB and sentenced to 23 years in prison. 3 years for insulting a high ranking member of the party and 20 years for divulging a state secret.

A commissar goes to a collective farm... ... And hails a farmer to ask about how his village's farms are doing. The farmer says "Oh Comrade Commissar, if we stacked all the potatoes in a pile, it would reach the foot of God!" The commissar raises an eyebrow and says "Comrade farmer, we live in the USSR. There is no god." The farmer replied: "That's okay, there are no potatoes either."

Americans go hiking in the USSR A group of american tourists came to the USSR and decided to go hiking in a traditional Soviet way. They got the tents, vodka, made a camp in the forest. Suddenly a huge bear appears from the bushes, starts to roar and ruins the camp in a few seconds. The americans run as fast as they can followed by the bear. They run across a clearing where a group of soviet guys are having their drinks and barbeque. As they cross the clearing the americans accidently overtu…

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle through it. All the others are quite impressed. The Cuban takes out a …

Freedom of Speech (USSR/USA) During the soviet era many Westerners doubted the freedom of expression given to citizens of Soviet Union, so a journalist set out to interview people from the USA and USSR to see how things compared. One American said "I am completely free to say whatever I think. For example I can walk into any public space and criticize the president." To this the Soviet responded "We too have freedom of speech - we can go to any public square at any time and criticize the pr…

A foreign delegation visits the USSR... Obviously, the KGB charts the course of the delegation in advance and ensures that everything is exemplary. According to the plan, the delegation is to visit a rural fair and KGB agents find a peasant selling a cow and ask how much it costs. The peasant asks 100 rubles for the cow, but the KGB agents demand he say it costs 5 rubles. The peasant, in despair, tries to persuade them that he will have nothing to feed his children with, but the KGB agents reas…

If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then this has to be a Christmas joke. I was on a train the other day when two Swedish men sat down next to me The two introduced themselves as Sven and Olf. Olf in particular was wearing a t-shirt with the USSR flag on and boasted a cap with a hammer and sickle on, so I assumed he was an avid communist. I asked them if either of them knew where I could get alcohol on the train, and Olf piped up: "If you go to carriage 4, you can get a Guinness, you idiot. You …

Going to the Soviet Union The Finnish President was planning a visit to a border town in the USSR. The local Kommissar, hoping to impress the Finns, decided to visit a local school. In preparation, he had all the children learn new songs, march in formation, wear their best uniforms, etc. Propaganda at its finest. The big day arrived and the Kommissar stood before the students and loudly asked "Who has the best schools in the world?" To which the student replied "The Soviet Union!" He asked ag…

Back in the USSR In the days of state control, a Russian man saved and saved and saved until he finally had enough money to buy a car.  He took the bus to the state car agency to arrange the purchase.  After an hour of filling in paperwork, he handed over the money and asked when he could pick it up. The agent looked at a book and replied "exactly one year from today." The man thought for a minute and asked "morning or afternoon"?  The agent, surprised, said "morning or afternoon! It'…

Lenin in Poland An artist is commissioned by the USSR to make a painting commemorating relations between the Soviet Union and Poland, to be titled "Lenin in Poland." A large ceremony is held at the Kremlin for its unveiling. When the painting is revealed, the guests gasp — the painting shows Lenin's wife in bed with Leon Trotsky. "This is a travesty!" Shouts one guest. "Where is Lenin?" The painter replies "Lenin is in Poland."

During the USSR regime a communist governor is visiting one of the small towns in his district The mayor of the town is excited to show the governor how dedicated his people are to the communist party, so as they are walking through the town bazaar, he pulls one of the farmers aside to ask him a couple of questions. He asked "Comrade, if you had two apartments, wouldn't you be happy to donate one to the communist party?" and the guy replied "Off course comrade mayor, I would be happy cont…

1960s USSR. The peak of KGB paranoia. Neighbors are ratting out neighbors. Employees report their coworkers to the KGB for innocuous jokes. Nighttime knocks on the door are commonplace. Regular citizens are labeled enemies of the people and taken away. A group of university students are on a government-sponsored trip to a conference, 6 of them sharing a hotel room, as was commonplace on such trips. None of them know each other. At night, they talk merrily amongst themselves, laughing and enjo…

In the USSR we had this joke But we were keeping it to ourselves so they confiscated it

In USSR we had this joke An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart. In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: ""Today one more communist will die.”

If the USSR suddenly came back together... ... it should be called the Soviet Reunion.

In USSR we had this joke An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart.

3 spies from England France and Italy were sent to the USSR.