Turkey Jokes

There is little hope for the person who becomes addicted to cold turkey.

Ice cream sandwich listens intently through the wall of the refrigerator as turkey and mayo whisper, "He's not a real sandwich."

For once my family is going to have a Happy Thanksgiving. This year I'm stuffing the turkey with Prozac.

What's that, turkey? GOBBLE GOBBLE Timmy fell in a well? GOBBLE GOBBLE [breaks turkey's neck] no time for your riddles, in the oven you go

If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.

As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say "just not in my hair"

You don't need a hunting licence if you shoot a turkey and plant a very small gun on him.

News said how hard it'd be to shoplift a turkey. Amateurs. It's all about commitment. *stuffs turkey under shirt* *whines that back hurts*

ME: Too much turkey makes me so tired HER: Actually, it makes you sleepy, not tired ME: I'm getting real sleepy of your shit, Debra

I get caught zipping my pants up while standing beside the turkey just one time, and suddenly she never needs help in the kitchen anymore

This grocery store is playing "Freebird" which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.

Mob Boss: I need you to smoke this guy. Me: Ok, that takes 8-12 hours for a turkey though. Mb: I don't care just get it done.

Ladies call me "the turkey sandwich" because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.

According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I'm so confused.

Headline: "Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey" My 1st thought was, "Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo." I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.

Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra

I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.

Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.

I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!

[soup kitchen] *homeless man is handed a plate* What the hell is this? -Turkey bacon. *throws tray against wall* I'm hungry! Not desperate!

Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.

So I called my friend turkey and I said to him "Turkey, la gente esta muy loca. What the cluck?"

A guy sits in front of TV all day, farting like there's no tomorrow. But not just gassy airish farts, I'm talking mega greasy wet ones, the kind that would make your dog puke. The wife, understandably is very angry, and says: ""one day Honey, you are gonna fart your guts out."" The next Sunday, as wife is preparing Turkey for sunday lunch, her husband falls asleep. The wife spies an opportunity to get her own back, so she takes the innards of the turkey and places them in the underwear her husba…

A violinist goes to Israel to play a concert... The violinist goes along with his concert and plays to the best of his ability. When he was finished, he rose up and gave a bow. The crowd roared in applause, but from the back of the crowd a man yelled, ""Play it again!"" Honored by this request, the violinist obliged, and played his piece again. When he finished, the crowd again roared with applause. The man in the back of the audience proclaimed once more, ""Play it again!"" Knowing he was press…

Bullshit A turkey was chatting with a bull. ""I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,"" sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."" ""Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?"" replied the bull. ""They're packed with nutrients."" The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there…