Richard Jokes

My Grandpa's Story My Grandpa used to drive big rigs from Western New York out to Los Angeles during the depression. He often told us the story of how he once was driving through backwoods Nebraska. He had to pull over to relieve himself so he got out of his rig and stepped into a field. He kicked at a bush and out popped a snake. My Grandpa was afraid of snakes and tried kicking it in an attempt to kill it until the snake shouts ""Stop!"" My Grandpa being stunned that he's come across a talking…

The parking spot on Richard III's grave was restricted... Only two-door cars were allowed.

Hoss met his close friend Rich for guidance, and narrated to him that he recently met the girl of his dreams. He asked Richard advise as to how should he proceed now! The wise Rich said, ""Well, send her roses, and on the name card invite her for a home-cooked meal."" Hoss liked the idea, so he followed Rich's advice and invited the woman. Next day after the dinner Rich called Hoss and asked him how did the home-cooked dinner go. Hoss cried, ""It flopped."" Rich asked, ""Why? Didn't the girl com…

Two old men were sat on a bench outside a nursing home having a chat. ""How are you Richard?"" asked George. ""I'm not feeling too good today I'm utterly exhausted"" replied Richard. ""I've pulled a muscle and it's killing me."" ""I'm surprised that a pulled muscle makes you feel so tired"" said George. Richard yawned and said ""Well it does if you pull it a hundred times in one night.""

The Divorced Virgin A lawyer married a woman who had been divorced five times. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom, "How can that be if you've been married five times?" "Well, Jim was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be but didn't know how to close. Kevin was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Edward was an engineer; he und…

A psychologist addresses three mothers, telling them that he brought each of them there to reflect their life addictions. To the first mother he says, "You have an addiction to sweets, as you named your daughter Candy." To the second mother he says, "You have an addiction to gambling and money, hence your daughter is named Penny." And before the psychologist could approach the final mother, she grabs her son by the arm and says "Come on, Richard, we're leaving."

A man was driving on a highway with his wife Suddenly he heard a siren and pulled over. A police officer walked towards him and asked: "Do you know how fast you were going?" "Im pretty sure I was under the limit, officer" he replied. "What do you mean Richard?" his wife shouted. "you were going way too fast, like always" she said. The man ignored her and the officer asked: "I believe you weren't wearing a seatbelt, sir" "Oh but I swear I had it fastened the whole t…

"Mom! I'm going out!" - You're not leaving this house until you change that miniskirt - Why not? - Because I can see your balls, Richard.

What mom loves... Son: Mom, why is my cousin's name rose? Mom: Well son, your aunt really loves flowers! Son: Mom, what do you love? Mom: Richard, stop asking so many questions!

-My name is Richard, without an 'e'. \-But there's no 'e' in Richard! \-That's what I said.

A man stops another man on the street \- Oh my God, Robert! I almost didn't recognize you! You changed your hair, you changed your nose, you changed your moustache... \- Erm, I'm sorry sir, my name's not Robert, it's Richard. \- No way! You changed your name too?

Richard My Selfish Friend

Why does my son Richard like playing in the mud? Because he then becomes filthy Rich.

What's Richard Nixon's favorite game? I spy.