Murphy Jokes

Paddy's and Murphy's Pigs Paddy and Murphy went out one day and each bought a pig. When they got home, Paddy turned to Murphy and said, "Murphy, how we gonna tell who owns which pig?" Murphy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one a ta' ears off my pig, and ten we can tell 'em apart." "Ah, tat'd be grand," says Paddy. This worked fine for a couple of weeks until Paddy stormed into the house. "Murphy," he said, "Your pig has chewed the ear off my pig. Now we got two pigs with one ear each. How we g…

Irish Sausage Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!" Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me." He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson …

Paddy has just correctly answered the £500,000 question on Who Wants To Be a Millionaire. He has only one question standing between him and the £1m jackpot. "Which of these birds does not live in a nest? A) Thrush, B) Kestrel, C) Blue Tit, D) Cuckoo" Paddy has one lifeline left, phone a friend. He decides to call Murphy, the owner of his local pub. Murphy agrees, and immediately shouts "It's a cuckoo!" Paddy goes with that answer and wins the jackpot. That evening, Paddy was round at Murph…

Delivering The Best Toast A contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast. Murphy won the contest for the best toast of the night, which was: "Here's to the best years o' me life, spent between the legs o' me wife." When he got home, his wife asked him how the Toastmasters meeting went. "I won the contest for the best toast of the night," he replied. She then asked what his toast was. He said, "Here's to the best years o' me life, spent in church with me wife." "How sweet of you t…

An Irish joke from Murphy (Best read drunk) Kelly showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell over with joy. Kelly hadn’t been to church in years. Enthused with Kelly’s presence, Father delivered an impassioned sermon on the Ten Commandments. After Mass, skirts flying, Father caught up with Kelly at the church door. “Kelly, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass, what brought ya?” Kelly said, “To be honest Father, a while back, I lost me hat and I really, really love that hat.…

HOW TO DRINK FOR FREE Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn’t have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. Murphy said “Hang on, I have an idea.” He went next door to the butcher’s shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said “Are you crazy? Now we don’t have any money left at all!” Murphy replied, “Don’t worry – just follow me.” He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson …

Seamus and Murphy wanted to go out drinking like respectable Irishman, but they didn't have alot of money... Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. Murphy said to Seamus ‘Hang on my friend, I have an idea.’ He went next door to the butcher’s shop and came out with one large sausage. Seamus said ‘Are you crazy Murph? Now we don’t have any money left at all!’ Murphy replied, ‘Don’t worry – just follow me.’ He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pin…

Two men were sitting next to each other at Murphy’s Pub in London. After awhile, one bloke looks at the other and says, ‘I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland’ The other bloke responds proudly, ‘Yes, that I am!’ The first one says, ‘So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?’ The other bloke answers, ‘I’m from Dublin, I am.’ The first one responds, ‘So am I!’ ‘Mother Mary and begora. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?’ The other blo…

Paddy and Murphy are in a dark cave. Paddy says "It's too dark. Do you have a match?" Murphy hands Paddy a match, which Paddy strikes against the wall..but nothing happens. He strikes the match again but, again, nothing. Paddy says to Murphy "This match doesn't work." "That's strange," says Murphy. "It worked earlier."

Murphy and Seamus Two Irish pilots, Murphy and Seamus, are flying a Ryanair Ltd. jet on its final approach at Cork Airport. Murphy says: “BuayJesus! Maury an' Josefff! Look how short this runway is.” Seamus replies: “Yes, but look how fookin' wide it is!”

A lesson in conception Murphy’s old lady was pregnant & the time had come. He brought her to the doctor, and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. ‘Hey, Murph! You just had you a son!   ‘Ain’t dat grand!” cried Murphy. ‘Hold on! We’re never finished yet!” exclaimed the doctor. The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, ‘Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter! She’s a pretty little thing.” Murphy look dazed but he smi…

CIA loses an agent The CIA lost track of its operative Murphy in Ireland. The CIA director said, “All I can tell you is his name is Murphy & he’s somewhere in Ireland. If you think you’ve located him, tell him the code words, “The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning. ” If it’s really him, he’ll answer, “Yes, and for mist at noon as well.” The operative went to Ireland & stopped in a bar in a small town. He said to the barman, “Maybe you can help me. I’m looking for a guy named Mur…

Two guys in a bar Two old men are sitting in a bar. One of them looks at the other & says “You look familiar… where you from?” The second old man replies “Ireland” The first old man looks astonished & says ” No way I’m from Ireland myself, what a small world!” The second old man then looks at the first “What city?” The first old man says “Dublin?” The second old man looks astonished “No way I’m from Dublin meself! What a small world.” The first man looks at the second old ma…

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money... Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.' He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!' Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.' He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky. Sha…

Murphy's Pub **Two men were sitting next to each other at Murphy's Pub in London. After awhile, one bloke looks at the other and says, “I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland.”** **The other bloke responds proudly, “Yes, that I am!”** **The first one says, “So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?”** **The other bloke answers, “Im from Dublin, I am.”** **The first one responds, “So am I!”** **“Mother Mary and begorra. And what street did you live…

Two crazy Irish men. Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.

What do you call Cole slaw that got made wrong? Murphy Slaw!

Paddy's Slippers Murphy calls in to see his mate Paddy

The Irish Sinner Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.

Murphy and Seamus Two Irish pilots

Murphy is leaving the pub for the night. He gets in the car

Paddy and Murphy are in a dark cave. Paddy says ""It's too dark. Do you have a match?"

Seamus and Murphy wanted to go out drinking like respectable Irishman but they didn't have alot of money...

Murphy was walking home late at night Murphy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.

""The police are looking for a man with one eye named Murphy."" ""What's the other eye called?""