Kgb Jokes

The KGB, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at catching criminals The Secretary General of the UN decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that the rabbit does not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the f…

Three men are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia. The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep, however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly. After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes. The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks …

A deranged Russian record collector is arrested and interviewed by the KGB... **KGB:** Tell us exactly vat happened. **Russian:** My wife told me she vas going to run avay with my record collection. **KGB:** And zen? **Russian:** And zen I vent to my shed, got my saw, and I cut off her legs. **KGB:** But zat vasn't all, vas it? **Russian:** No. My wife told me she had been handling my records without gloves. **KGB:** And zen? **Russian:** And zen I vent to my shed, got my saw, and I cut …

The CIA, The Mossad and The KGB A mummy was found in Egypt, and to learn more about it, the three best forensic teams of the world decided to start a competition. The CIA went first. They studied the mummy for a year, and then came up with a result: the person lived around 1000 years BC, plus or minus 200 years. The Mossad goes next. They study the mummy for a month, and conclude: it was a pharaoh who ruled 1000 years BC, give or take 100 years. The KGB team goes next. They hold the mum…

Why are the KGB so damn hasty with their assassinations? Because they're always Rushin'.

A foreign delegation visits the USSR... Obviously, the KGB charts the course of the delegation in advance and ensures that everything is exemplary. According to the plan, the delegation is to visit a rural fair and KGB agents find a peasant selling a cow and ask how much it costs. The peasant asks 100 rubles for the cow, but the KGB agents demand he say it costs 5 rubles. The peasant, in despair, tries to persuade them that he will have nothing to feed his children with, but the KGB agents reas…

A KGB spy and a CIA agent meet up in a bar for a friendly drink "I have to admit, I'm always so impressed by Soviet propaganda. You really know how to get people worked up," the CIA agent says. "Thank you," the KGB says. "We do our best but truly, it's nothing compared to American propaganda. Your people believe everything your state media tells them." The CIA agent drops his drink in shock and disgust. "Thank you friend, but you must be confused... There's no propaganda in America."

Putin wanted to know if Zelenskyy was still alive... Zelenskyy himself decided to send Putin a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Putin opened the letter which appeared to contain a single line of coded message. 370HSSV-0773H Putin was baffled, so he emailed the message to Lukashenko, and his aides had no idea either, so they sent it to the KGB. No one could solve it at the KGB either, so a double agent sent it to the CIA, then the NSA. They als…

A Russian had a talking parrot that constantly trashed Putin. When the man's friends came over he'd take out the parrot and bird would stuff like "Putin is a moron", "Putin without a shirt looks like a ballerina", and "Putin cannot swim cuz sh!t floats". one day banging on the door, "KGB open up!" The man panics and hides the parrot in the freezer. The KGB ransack the house and can't find the parrot. After they leave the man takes the parrot out of the freezer and says "you see how stupid the g…

1960s USSR. The peak of KGB paranoia. Neighbors are ratting out neighbors. Employees report their coworkers to the KGB for innocuous jokes. Nighttime knocks on the door are commonplace. Regular citizens are labeled enemies of the people and taken away. A group of university students are on a government-sponsored trip to a conference, 6 of them sharing a hotel room, as was commonplace on such trips. None of them know each other. At night, they talk merrily amongst themselves, laughing and enjo…

There was a russian man named Rudolph a high ranking member of the KGB

The KGB the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at catching criminals

The CIA The Mossad and The KGB.