Johnson Jokes

Bernie Sanders fans say ""Feel the Bern."" Gary Johnson fans say Feel the Johnson.

Just Fred A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name. ""Fred,"" he replies. ""Fred what?"" the officer asks. ""Just Fred,"" the man responds. The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but p…

Guys, I think I found the Cure to Aids! It requires having a Magic Johnson.

ANOTHER old man goes to the doctor ...and gets a full examination. As he's buttoning up his shirt, the doctor comes in and says ""Mr. Johnson, I have bad news for you; you are in the beginning stages of Alzheimer's Disease, and you have inoperable cancer. I'm sorry."" Jonson sighs a bit, finishes buttoning up his shirt, and says ""Well, Doc, at least I aint got cancer.""

At The Nikon Headquarters We need random people in a room to test and sample our new lenses ""A focus group?"" DAMMIT JOHNSON THIS IS NO TIME FOR JOKES

Girl do you play basketball? Because I hear you can make Magic with my Johnson.

Old man Johnson and his world-champion pole vaulting neighbor are really one in the same... They both grip their sticks and try to get it up.

Magic Johnson is one positive individual.

What do you call Magic Johnson in a wheel-chair? *Roll-AIDS*

Cowboy Singer There was this country singing cowboy in a dark saloon one night. He got up to play and announced his first song, ""I wrote this one a long time ago, its called 'Ol' Boil on My Foot is Burnin'"" The audience had a general look of confusion but the cowboy went on to play most beautiful, sad country song many had ever heard. He quickly moved on to the next tune, ""This ballad is about the night my ex left me, its called 'She Can't Handle the Bumps on My Pecker"" Again, the audience g…

Short comical narrative I wrote The detective's heels clicked on the cement steps as he approached the door. The deputy ducked under the police line behind him. He knocked and the door was slowly opened by the woman. The blue and red lights were reflected in her wet eyes. ""Mrs. Johnson?"" He asked. ""Yes. . . ?"" The woman replies. ""Detective White."" He held up his polished badge. ""Oh, come in."" She stepped aside. Several officers standing in the kitchen nodded to the detective as he entere…

The officer and the speeding Harley Officer stops a Harley for speeding so he asks the biker his name. 'Fred,' he replies. 'Fred what?' the officer asks. 'Just Fred,' the man responds. The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and give him a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Te…

All this negativity in the world and I still remain Positive! -Magic Johnson

Why are there so many Johnson in he phone book? They all have phones.

Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he sad to his wife: ""When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones."" Wife: ""No I can't marry anyone after you."" Johnson: ""But I want you to."" Wife: ""But why?"" Johnson: ""Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!""

An Englishman a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight however and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal. While wandering around outside the stadium the Englishman came upon construction site which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding he presented himself at the gate and said ""Johnson the pole vault"" and was admitted. The Scotsman …

Bill Clinton is writing his memoirs. They're called ""The Johnson Years"".

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram. Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander." Later that day…

Uncle just told me this one. There was a man sitting at a bar, and he looks over at the gentleman sitting next to him and says, "Hey, you look familiar. Are you from around here?" The man answers, "Yeah, I live down the street." "No kidding?" says the first man, "Well, so do I. And hey, you look about my age. Where did you go to high school?" "Oh, I went to Francis Lewis over on Utopia. Graduated in '66. How bout you?" "Get out. I went to Francis Lewis. And I graduated in '66, too." "Where'd y…

Just Fred A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name. 'Fred,' he replies. 'Fred what?' the officer asks. 'Just Fred,' the man responds. The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hand…

Game Day entrepreneur . . . A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped, and every now and then, a $50 bill fell out onto the footpath. Noticing this, a cop stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $50 bills falling Out of that bag." "Oh, rats! Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.." "Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get al…

The Head Teacher Once there was this fantastic head teacher, let's call him... Mr Johnson. He had single-handily turned around the fortunes of three failing schools in his city with his tight intelligent financial control, understanding of the school's inherent needs, and great relationships with all staff/pupils. Recently he had accepted a job at the largest, most run down, violent school in the area. It was full of underprivileged children who were taking their poor upbringings and cynical v…

A man was playing a round of golf. When he came to his favorite par 3, he hit the most glorious shot, and it rolled right in, getting a hole in one. When he picked up the ball, a genie appeared. "Behold, I am the magic hole in one genie! I will grant you one wish. " " Wow, well can you make my Johnson longer?" "Your wish is my command!" As the round went on, the man started to realize that his junk has been growing the whole game until it finally was hanging out the bottom of his pants leg. …

Fred A man gets pulled over by a cop for speeding. The cop asks him, "what is your name?" The man replies "Fred." The cop asks "What's your last name." "I don't have one." The cop is unsure of how this is, so he asks "Why don't you have a last name?" The man begins his story. "I began life as Fred Johnson, and went all through primary school and high school as Fred Johnson. I decided to become a medical doctor after I graduated, so I became 'Fred Johnson, M.D.' After a few years of being…

A routine call to an elderly patient.. A doctor is making a routine call to one of his elderly patients. He asks, ”And how are you doing today, Mr. Johnson?” Mr. Johnson replies, ”I feel just fine, doc. But you know, it’s the strangest thing. Every night when I get up to pee, the bathroom light goes on for me automatically when I open the door!” The doctor is worried that the old guy is getting senile, so he phones the man’s son, and the son’s wife answers. The doctor tells her, ”Mrs. Johnson, …