Er Jokes

An elderly woman visiting her Doctor While at the Doctors office she starts talking about how depressed she had been ever since her husband had passed. She asks the Doctor ""if you were going to end it all how would you do it?"" The Doctor puzzled about the question but can see the pain in her weepy eyes. He replies ""oh I don't know, I guess a shotgun to the heart would guaranty the outcome."" The Doctor finishes up the exam and the elderly woman is released by the Nurse. On the way out the eld…

A man comes back from vacationing in Thailand. About 10 days after getting back his junk swells up and turns green, purple, and red. He immediately goes to the ER. A doctor examines him and tells him he needs to amputate. He decided there's no way that's happening. He figured if he contacted this disease in Asia he'll go to an Asian doctor. ""Doc, the American doctor at the ER said I have to amputate."" Asian doctor looks at him and says ""You don't need to amputate. It fall off three days.""

Dumb town is having an urgent meeting to resolve the current down town hole crisis In this town where the highest IQ is negative, a big hole is down town, and people are falling in it and being transported to the ER every minute. An urgent town meeting is held, where the most intelligent people of the town are trying to resolve the situation. 'Smart' person number 1: ""We should transport the hospital to be near the hole, so we can treat the injured people faster"" 'Smart' person number 2: ""No,…

The Old Man and the Nurse This is a real conversation heard between an old man and a nurse one evening in the ER Nurse - Age? Old Man - 82 Nurse - Weight? Old Man - I've been waiting for over an hour! Nurse - No no...how much do you weigh? Old Man - What? Am I gay? Hell no! Nurse - No sir, how much do you WEIGH? Old Man - I'M NOT GAY! The entire ER goes quiet and everyone is looking at the old man Nurse - (Trying to hide her smile) No no sir, how much do you weigh...weight?! Old Man - WAIT? I've…

Original Jokes. A man is speeding down the beach road in Nags Head, NC when a seagull smashes into his windshield. He gets it stuck in the wiper blades trying to get it off, and eventually a cop comes up behind him and hits the cherries and berries. At that moment the seagull flips off the guy's car and smashes into the cop's windshield. The guy and the cop pull over and the cop writes him two tickets, one for speeding and one for flipping the bird. A woman is pumping gas, and she accidentally s…

Medical Humor 1...A man comes into the ER and yells . . .' My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one. 2... At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,'. . .replied the patient.…

I cut my thumb chopping onions... ...in such a way as to make applying appropriate pressure difficult. I made my way to the ER. They weren't busy, so the doctor came over to dress my wound. I expressed frustration over my lack in first aid and the persistent crimson flow. In a matter-of-fact tone, he reassured me, ""Don't worry; all of my patients stop bleeding eventually.""

Spaghetti! A doctor had a fling with his nurse. A few months later she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse some money and told her to go to Italy and have the baby there. ''How will I let you know the baby is born?'', she asked. '' Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back....I'll take care of expenses''.Not knowing what else to do the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months later the doctors wife phoned her husband and explained …

My Magic Green Hat Earlier this year while on vacation to escape the snow and cold, I passed through Florida on my way to the Caribbean cruise. The day after returning from my cruise, I wasn't feeling very well and decided that I really needed some medical assistance... and decided to visit the emergency room at the closest medical facility. Realizing that it would likely be very crowded and not wanting to sit there waiting for 4-5 hours to be seen, I put on my MAGIC GREEN HAT. As soon as I ente…

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple punk rocker Mohawk hair, sporting a variety of tattoos and wearing strange clothing was admitted to the ER. It was quickly determined she had acute appendicitis and was scheduled for immediate surgery. When completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . ""Keep off the grass"". Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrot…

Oldie but goodie. My buddy and I were out hunting one afternoon. He decided he had to take a dump, so he dripped his pants and squatted down. while he was taking care of business a rattlesnake slithered up behind him and bit him on the head of his tally wacker. He jumbed up with both hands wrapped around it and yelled I've been bit call the doctor. I called the dr and explained about the bite and that we were at least 45 mins from our truck and another hour from the hospital. He got quiet and sa…

Triplets A woman pregnant with triplets is walking home from the grocery store. As she's putting her money into her purse, some of it gets blown away from her. She follows it and finds it at the mouth of an alley way. When she finally retrieves it, there's a man standing in front of her. This man shoots her three times in the stomach, taking with him her bag and her money. An hour later, the woman is in the ER, her doctor checks her and tells her that her children will be completely alright. Six…

These are actual notes from Doctors patient charts... 1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. 2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely. 3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. 4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993. 5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. 6. Discharge status: Alive but…

A woman comes into the ER... A true story! A woman came into the ER with a fish bone caught in her throat. An orderly put her into a wheelchair, and wheeled her off toward an examination room. They came to the top of a ramp, the orderly stumbled, and accidentally let go. The lady accelerates down the ramp, hits the doorjamb at the bottom, and goes sprawling. As a result, she coughed up the fish bone. The orderly, now worried about getting into trouble, thinks quick, and says "You're reall…

I burned both of my ears! Came off the ambulance, straight to the ER. Both his ears have melted, and he can barely hear as air can't pass by properly. Nurse checks his ear, and is confused. The rest of his face is perfectly fine. She asks him "how did you burn that ear?" "What?!" replies the man in pain. "I said HOW DID YOU BURN THAT EAR". He musters his strength and says "I was ironing my shirt, I was really late to a meeting, then suddenly my house phone rang, in a moment of stupidity i picke…

A man and his wife are playing Dungeons and Dragons together... During the man's turn, he rolls his D20 and rolls a 1. Simultaneously, he stubs his toe against the table leg so hard that his toe essentially falls off. Blood everywhere. The wife has to rush them both to the ER. She's waiting. She's waiting... The doctor emerges, and the wife rushes over. "How is my husband? What's his condition?" The doctor replies: "Critical, miss."

Did you hear about the guy who was admitted into the ER with six plastic toy horses shoved up his arse? His condition is listed as stable.

My wife was stung on the nose by a bee My wife was stung on the nose by a bee, She is at the ER now her face is badly swollen and has two back eyes. On the plus side I was close enough to get the bee with my shovel.

I stopped at the bar after work the other day... ...and there were three doctors at a table slamming drinks. They were bragging about their best surgeries ever. The first doctor said listen up. "One time a guy came in who was in a terrible wood cutting accident. The guy lost his right arm, but I sewed him up in 3 hours. Now he's is a major league pitcher." The second doctor said, "One time I was working in the ER and this dude came in who lost his leg in a farming accident. I sewed him u…

So i just came back from the ER.. I don’t want to bore you with details, but the “Dyson Ball Cleaner” is a dangerously misleading name.

I was in the queue buying dog food when this woman asks me if I have a dog I thought "well isn't it obvious?" but decided to string her along "No. I'm actually back on the dog food diet. These snacks contain all the vitamins, proteins, minerals, folic acid, that you need to survive. Plus they're small so they fit in your pocket for whenever you're hungry. I lost 50 pounds while on it. This time I have to be careful, though. Last time I ended up in the ER ..." She gives me that look "well obv…

My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died. Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.

After a trip to the ER last night a friend of mine said they diagnosed him with Cornarectia Sounded serious so I ask him what exactly is Cornarectia.

A woman comes into the ER with a blood pH of 10. How does the doctor diagnose her? A basic bitch

Goku gets into a car accident and has to be rushed to the E.R. He has a piece of shrapnel stuck in his arm and is in extreme pain. He gets to the front desk and yells at the nurse ""Help! I'm in extreme pain! I have shrapnel in my arm!"