Diane Jokes

"What's funny?" The microwave beeping as you walked backwards. "Why's that funny?" Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.

Lick the corner of your mouth. The corner. JUST the CORNER. God damn it Diane do you want to be America's Next Top Model or the Hamburglar

I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning's office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.

""Honey, I just got into a terrible bike accident.. ... So I don't think I can pick up the groceries on the way home. I think I broke my legs and maybe even a fractured rib. I'm bleeding all over too. Diane is bringing me to the hospital right now."" ""Who's Diane?"" Girl's priorities.

It was Frank and Diane's 10th wedding anniversary... ...and Diane told Frank that if there wasn't something sitting in the driveway that goes from 0-60 in 3 seconds when she got home from work, she would file for divorce. When Diane arrived home from work, she saw a box in the middle of the driveway. Confused, she got out of her car and opened it only to find a scale. Frank has been missing since Friday.

So this happened Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat-down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized that I must have left them in the car. Frantically. I headed for the parking lot. My wife, Diane, has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car …

Jewish Cowboy I got on a bus and sat down next to a beautiful blonde woman. She was crying, so I asked her what was the matter. ""I just left my psychiatrist, and he doesn't know what to do with me,"" she said. ""Well what's wrong?"" I asked. ""Why would I tell you, we just met!"" ""Sometimes is good to tell your problems to a random stranger on a bus."" So she looked out the window for a second and then turned to me and said, ""I'm a nymphomaniac and I'm only attracted to jewish cowboys. By the…

Sarah Palin calls Diane Feinstein's office And says, ""Hello, may I please speak to Senator Feinstein?"" The secretary said, ""It's Rosh Hashanah, Senator Feinstein isn't here today."" Palin replied, ""Oh, hello Rosh, can you please take a message for me?""

One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, ""Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, William's dad took him aside. ""Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm…

Jack's grandfather left him $10 million, and the next week Diane agreed to marry him. After three months of married life, Jack noticed his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more. On the rare occasion she would go to bed with him she would be indifferent, or even worse, call out other men's names. Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men. Finally, he decided to confront her. ""Diane,"" he said, ""the only reason you married me was because my grandfat…

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, ""Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George's dad took him aside, ""Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot."" ""Susan i…

George Falls in Love One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with wome…

Who's Your Daddy One Sunday morning, William burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away, and her name is Susan." After dinner, William's dad took him aside. "Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married for thirty years. She's a wonderful wife, but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan i…

Jack’s grandfather left him ten million dollars, and the next week Diane agreed to marry him. After three months of married life, Jack noticed that his beautiful new wife was ignoring him more and more. On the rare occasion that she would go to bed with him she would be indifferent, or even worse, called out other men’s names! Whenever they went out in public, she ignored him and flirted with other men. Finally, he decided to confront her. “Diane,” he said, “The only reason you married me was be…