Lick the corner of your mouth. The corner. JUST the CORNER. God damn it Diane do you want to be America's Next Top Model or the Hamburglar

I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning's office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.

""Honey, I just got into a terrible bike accident.. ... So I don't think I can pick up the groceries on the way home. I think I broke my legs and maybe even a fractured rib. I'm bleeding all over too. Diane is bringing me to the hospital right now."" ""Who's Diane?"" Girl's priorities.

It was Frank and Diane's 10th wedding anniversary... ...and Diane told Frank that if there wasn't something sitting in the driveway that goes from 0-60 in 3 seconds when she got home from work, she would file for divorce. When Diane arrived home from work, she saw a box in the middle of the driveway. Confused, she got out of her car and opened it only to find a scale. Frank has been missing since Friday.