THERAPIST: what's the problem? WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me ME: I don't do it on porpoise

With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.

Imagine if things had been reversed. We'd be eating Lou Gehrig candy bars and getting Babe Ruth's disease.

Lobsters gonna lobst.

Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies

My life will forever be divided into two segments: before I ever used a bidet, and the Age of Enlightenment.

"i'd do anthony for you" - worst autocorrect fail by me

if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats

Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.

I bet the first thing that happens after you die is you get charged some sort of fee.

Does AT&T; allow phone calls on their network? Anyone know?

Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.

In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say "you've got mail". Pretty sure I've landed in 1998.

Getting pretty tired of having to add my own sugar and calories to my diet coke...

The fact that people use the wrong "your," "there," "it's" and "its" yet spell "Bieber" correctly just kills me.

Finally looked up from my phone screen and noticed I'm being passed around by the crowd at a Blink 182 concert.

I'm a real Renaissance Woman (riddled with plague)

I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I'm... lacktoes intolerant *opens another beer*

My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004

"That's so Raven" - Raven Symone's parents identify her body.

Sometimes pretending to be busy takes more effort than being busy.

Date: I like old-fashioned guys Me: *dies of polio*

I've probably spent a solid year of my life just staring into the refrigerator

Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don't use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.

Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama.... Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?