Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife? Me: "I do" Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it

Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to "do it herself." Three hours later, I'm still waiting for her to get out of the car.

Overslept this morning and missed church for the last 15 years.

How come when a child shouts "This is dumb" at a wedding it's considered cute, but when I do it, I'm immediately replaced by another priest?

What the hell Hollywood? I've never had to rub blood between my fingers to know that it's blood.

What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven? If you guessed "Heaven nun" or "Angel nun" you're wrong. The answer was "Nun of the Above".

Hell is full of ugly babies, tinkerbell tshirts and fat women debating the tastiness of frozen meals.....oh wait. This is just walmart

if you're drinking after midnight on a saturday you're really just getting a jump on the church crowd

Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.

*gazing at the ocean* God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation. Angel: I'm sorr- God: SORRY DOESN'T FIX THIS MESS

"WHAT THE HELL? WHERE'S THE OTHER, SMALLER VERSION OF THIS PERSON?"--Russian surgeon's 1st time cutting a patient open

You ever see your kid looking so dirty at school and don't wanna pick him up? I just drove pass mine now like, 'Hell no, that is not my kid'

My drug of choice is laughter....and cocaine. Mostly cocaine. Sometimes angel dust. Molly is cool too. RT if you love Jesus.

WHAT DO WE WANT?! Follow-up questions! WHEN DO WE WANT IT? OH HELL YEAH THAT'S THE STUFF

lucifer: let's give them free will and see how they choose God: nice lol I'm gunna steal your idea and send you to hell lucifer: what?

Survival tip: If a clown starts making a balloon chainsaw, run like hell.

Hell is an eternity of being sober in a room full of drunk people.

I am a woman . You are not supposed to know what's on my mind. For heaven's sake, I don't know what's on my mind.

Even if God himself appeared & said "Dude, I am real and you need to go to church today," I would still be like "Yeah it's been a long week"

[bank robbery] "Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?" TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY

All human beings are threads interwoven in the great tapestry of life, except for that one guy at your office. What the hell is his problem?

Dogs can lick their balls and no one bats an eye lid but when I do it you're all like get the hell away from my dog?

It's hard to hate the Devil when he makes such delicious cakes.

At least dogs look at you when you're talking with them as if to say, hell yeah I'd talk to you, but I'm a dog.

Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you're sleeping.