Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.

[in bed] M: Do that thing I like H: NO M: Please? H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES

Dating someone based only on looks is so shallow. Consider other things, like, do they have a lot of money.

*At the bank Robber:THIS IS A STICKUP! Me:Looks like a gun R:SHUT UP! M:Well, 'THIS IS A GUN' is way scarier Teller:He's got a point

Just saved a bunch of money on my Glenn from The Walking Dead Halloween costume by not showering for a month.

Asking politicians to give up source of money is like asking Dracula to forsake blood.

You and me baby ain't nothing but mammals so let's cheat and murder for insurance money like they do on Investigation Discovery Channel.

[bank robbery] "Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?" TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY

So hypothetically speaking, what do you think is the scariest mask they would let me wear in line at the bank?

I'm off to the store got your wallet? yes you sure? YES *hour later wife turns on news and I'm being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*

I told the bank teller that I was changing banks & wanted to open an account "Great. What's the name of your former bank?" I said, "Piggy"

My bank called me today to alert me my card was used for a gym membership and they doubted it was legit because they see where I go to eat.

I would pay so much money to watch the Harlem Globetrotters change a baby.

I like that the doctor always asks if I'm a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit. No shit? Thanks. Here's all my money.

I root against my college football team. That place put me $80,000 in debt. It'd be like rooting for the bank that holds your mortgage.

My neighbor gave my kid a whistle today. He is survived by his wife Linda. In lieu of flowers, donations can be made to my bail money fund.

An accountant who disappears with all his client's money is a math magician.

i'm so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don't accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just "all the money you got"

Fun Fact: Koala's have finger prints like humans. So next time you rob a bank make sure the koala carriers the gun

I never mess with anyone in a Pontiac Aztek. I just don't want to be on the wrong end of another of their poor decisions.

I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan

Wife: oh honey, I didn't marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.

How do you expect us to loan you money if you can't prove to us that you don't need it? -Banks

Show me on your wallet where you would like me to touch you.

Occasionally I like to stroll into a bank, pull a gun, shout "Everybody be cool!" and then hand out sunglasses and leather jackets.