Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.

Bin Laden released an audio tape about the Christmas underwear bomber. A month later. Where has he been, living in a cave?

This salad isn't going to toss itself. *winks* - Things you shouldn't say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table :(

Boyfriend wants me to eat loads of purple candy so I can "dye" his balls for Easter. He better trim the grass first.

*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween* Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost

It's almost Christmas, which means it's almost time to hear my parents' new excuses for why Jennifer Lawrence isn't under the tree again.

Suggested Thanksgiving Conversation starters: "Which God are we thanking again?" You're welcome :)

I put a life-size alien doll in my passenger seat for halloween and I've caught myself talking to it 3 times

If the Pope could smell my farts right now he'd cancel Christmas.

As a California resident, I know autumn and Christmas are coming only because of the change in the featured Starbucks flavors.

Its too expensive to put up Christmas lights these days. I'm just going to hire a bunch of Mexicans to sit on my roof with flashlights.

My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn't do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..

My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that

[at Applebees on Christmas] God: Your food good? Jesus: Ya, it- *a crowd of servers surrounds them* Jesus: You didn't... HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y

I love this time of year, where my massive spider webs and the dead guy in my living room are "Halloween decorations" again.

Kids go as the devil and bigfoot on Halloween all the time, but I go as a pedophile and suddenly I'm a weirdo.

At Christmas, it's important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017

Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?

My mom: I was thinking of getting my grandson a drum set for Christmas! Me: Funny. I was just thinking about getting a new mother.

To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.

Just got back from my wild New Years Eve outing and shoveled my parents sidewalks. 'Cause that's the way middle-aged white guys roll. Yo.

My New Year's resolution is *removes sunglasses* 2048x1080. I'll explain. *perches on desk* You see, the word 'resolution' can also refer t

I've run out of Christmas wrapping paper so I'm going to use 'Happy Birthday' paper and write 'Jesus' after it.

Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it's shaken not stirred

One time I wore my brother's t-shirt, and my dad asked if I was dressing up as his favorite child for Halloween.