The best thing to do on New Years Eve is set the microwave timer with the countdown so the first thing that happens that year is Pizza Rolls

This salad isn't going to toss itself. *winks* - Things you shouldn't say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table :(

[at Applebees on Christmas] God: Your food good? Jesus: Ya, it- *a crowd of servers surrounds them* Jesus: You didn't... HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y

I always bring in a dozen donuts to work the first day after the New Year, just for my coworkers on a diet.