Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.

This salad isn't going to toss itself. *winks* - Things you shouldn't say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table :(

[at Applebees on Christmas] God: Your food good? Jesus: Ya, it- *a crowd of servers surrounds them* Jesus: You didn't... HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y

I always bring in a dozen donuts to work the first day after the New Year, just for my coworkers on a diet.