The best thing to do on New Years Eve is set the microwave timer with the countdown so the first thing that happens that year is Pizza Rolls

Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.

[at Applebees on Christmas] God: Your food good? Jesus: Ya, it- *a crowd of servers surrounds them* Jesus: You didn't... HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y

I always bring in a dozen donuts to work the first day after the New Year, just for my coworkers on a diet.