Turkey Jokes

Catholic School So there's a bad jewish kid and he swears all the time. He gets expelled from school. His behavior combined with the town he lives in being so small where everyone knows everyone's business, causes his family to become pariahs. Desperate for a solution, the parents ask the local Rabbi for help who suggests sending the boy to a *yeshiva* - a Jewish private school. The parents try this, but sadly, this seemed to make him worse, now he swears in both English and Hebrew. The ne…

A little old lady wants to buy a parrot. So she goes to the local pet store and asks the shopkeeper if he has any parrots. "Well I've just got this one right now but I have to warn you he used to belong to an old sailor and he's picked up some nasty words. Why don't you come back next week." He said. "No that's quite alright. I know just how to handle him." So she pays for the bird and brings him home and sure enough once he gets home he starts cussing up a storm so the old lady takes him a…

Penitent Parrot A young man named Alan received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. Alan tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary. Finally, Alan was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. Alan shook the par…

I've got a terrible addiction, I can't stop eating deli meats. I'm trying to quit cold turkey.

Tasty Tattoo My girl just got a tattoo of a turkey on one thigh and Santa Claus on the other. She wants to show that there *is* something good to eat in between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

It seems like every year I wind up eating leftovers from Thanksgiving until weeks afterwards. Not this year though, I'm quitting cold turkey.

What do ISIS want for Christmas? Turkey, apparently.

Don't fart in the bed... (favorite joke) This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a…

A guy walks into a deli... a guy walks into a deli and is instantly greeted by a hot brunette behind the counter. "let me know when you're ready" she says he replies "ok" in a happy manor. Not knowing what he would like he starts to scan over the countless items on the board above the counter. Guy takes a step back, fazed by the selections. Not long after, he finds a "specials" section That reads "Turkey sandwich $3.00", "Cheese sandwich $2.50" and "handjobs $5.00" amazed and excited about wh…

Three construction workers are sitting down to lunch... They each bring their lunches to to the top of the building. The first worker says, "Turkey, turkey, turkey. If I have turkey one more time, I'm gonna jump off of this building." He opens his lunch box and finds turkey, so he jumps to his death. The second worker says, "Tuna, tuna, tuna. If I have tuna one more time, I'm gonna jump off of this building." He opens his lunch box, finds he has tuna, and plummets to the bottom. The third wo…

The nasty parrot A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot an…

I love animals, and I want to stop eating meat... But I just can't quit cold turkey!

Bad Parrot A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the p…

Russia might not celebrate thanksgiving but I'm pretty sure they will be frying a turkey.

Do you fart in bed ? This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years, the only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was c…

It's Thanksgiving, who doesn't like Turkey? Russia

My wife's inappropriate Christmas dinner joke Last night My wife and I were having Christmas dinner with her parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles, and a German neighbor who is a widow. We were talking about messing up while cooking meals and I mentioned the first time I cooked a turkey I cooked it upside down. The neighbor was incredulous that I could make such a mistake and asked how I could possibly do this when the breast would be round and make it difficult to get the turkey to not roll. …

I'm Hungary Timmy: I'm Hungary, Mum: Why don't you Czech the fridge. Timmy: OK I'm Russian to the kitchen. Mum: Hmmm.. may be you'll find some Turkey. Timmy: Yeah but its all covered in Greece. yuck! Mum: There is Norway you can eat that. Timmy: I know, I guess I'll just have a can of Chile Mum: Denmark your name on the can. Timmy: Kenya do it for me? Mum: OK, I'm Ghana do it. Timmy: Thanks, i'm so tired Iran for an hour today Mum: It Tokyo long enough. Timmy: yeah Israe…

A turkey was chatting with a bull... A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy. "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Fina…

Three construction workers are sitting down for lunch on the roof..... The first construction workers says, "I swear to god if my wife packed me another bologna sandwich I'm going to kill my self by jumping off this roof." He opens his lunch and there is a bologna sandwich. He goes and jumps off the roof. The second construction worker says, "If my wife packed me cold pizza for lunch again I'm going to kill my self by jumping off this roof." He opens his lunch and there's cold pizza. He goes …

Timmy : I'm Hungary Timmy : I'm Hungary. Mum : Why don't you Czech the fridge. Timmy : Ok, I'm Russian to the kitchen. Mum : Hmm...maybe you'll find some Turkey. Timmy : Yeah, but its all covered in Greece. Yuck ! Mum : There is Norway you can eat that. Timmy : I know, I guess I'll just have a can of Chile. Mum : Denmark your name on the can. Timmy : Kenya do it for me? Mum : Ok , I'm Ghana do it. Timmy : Thanks, i'm so tired Iran for an hour today. Mum : It Tokyo long enough.…

A guy dies and goes to Hell. He's extremely upset upon finding out where he's going, but Satan says, "Hey! Hey! Don't worry about it! Actually we get a lot of bad press. Really, it's not so bad. For example, do you like to drink?" "Well, yeah," says the man. "Great! You're going to love Mondays! All we do is drink. Every kind of liquor. Beer, wine, rum, whiskey, gin, brandy, champagne, all the best stuff. It's all free, and you can drink as much as you want, and you get all buzzed but you nev…

A woman was sick of her husband always farting in bed... she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one Christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, l…

A woman goes to get a tattoo The tattoo artist asks her what she wants and she points to her legs and says right here I want a great big Christmas Tree and on my left thigh I want a great big turkey. Curious the tattoo artist asks why she wants these tattoos The woman's answers. Because my husband always says there isn't anything good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Why did the ostrich, the emu, the turkey, and the penguin get let out on bail? Cause they weren’t much of a flight risk.