Sams Jokes

For date night tonight I'm taking my wife out for a nice dinner at the Sam's Club sample tables.

Oh Sam. Within 3 months of marriage, Sam's wife had a child. **Sam**: how is it possible? **Wife**: how long is it that you're married? **S**: 3 months **W**: how long is it that I'm married? **S**: 3 months **W**: after how many months of marriage was the child born? **S**: 3 months **W**: now total all the three n tell me **S**: oh! yeah it been 9 months. Gee, time flies.

Hunters should always know what's behind their target Behind mine is a Sam's Club and a Starbucks

How to get dogs into a bar. Two men, Sam and Trevor, are standing outside a bar with their dogs on leashes. Sam, who has a golden retriever, suggests to his friend Trevor, who has a chihuahua, ""Why don't we go in and get a drink."" Trevor replies, ""We can't go in with our dogs."" Sam proposes, ""Follow my lead"", as they step in. After ordering drinks the bar owner comes and confronts the men. ""I'm sorry, dogs aren't allowed in my bar"", he says. Sam replies, ""Of course sir, but these are se…

One time there was two farmers that lived out on the road to Plato, Missouri. They was always good friends, and Biil's oldest boy had been a-charmin' one of Sam's daughters. Everything was going fine till the morning they met down by the creek, and Sam was pretty god damn mad. ""Bill,"" says he, ""from now on I don't want that boy of yours to set foot on my place."" ""Why, what's he done?"" asked the boy's daddy. ""He pissed in the snow, that's what he done, right in front of my house!"" ""But s…

Two clams There's two clams, one is named Jerry and the other is named Sam. They're swimming in the ocean and Sam looks at Jerry and says ""I wonder what it's like up there, I'm going to go find out"" Jerry tells Sam it's a terrible idea and not to do it but Sam does it anyway. Sure enough he gets swept up by a fisherman and eaten. A couple hours later Jerry wonders where Sam went so he goes up to look for him and sure enough he gets swept up by a fisherman and eaten. Jerry wakes up in clam heav…

A guy walks into a bar... It's a really neat bar, clean, good music, but empty. Only the bartender is standing behind the counter. So the man sits at the bar, orders a beer, and asks: ""Hey that's a really cool bar you got there, how come it's all empty?"" Bartender replies: You see those tables? I made them. I cut the wood, shaped it, fixed it. You think people on the streets are saying ""hey, that's Sam's bar, he made his tables himself""? No. They don't say that. You see that barstool you're …

Atheist Sam's grand-daughter Saudi Atheist Sam gets an email that his new grand-daughter is named Saudi. His first response? Jesus!

Racial Discrimination A black boy, James, was in class one day and the teacher asked, ""Class, what did you do this weekend?"" Immediately, a girl raises her hand and says, ""I went over to Sam's house to play in his sandbox!"" ""Oh interesting, come up to the board and spell sand, and Sam, come up here and spell box! I'll give you a cookie each!"" After they're done, the teacher asks again and James raises his hand timidly. ""I saw Susie going to Sam's house and I wanted to play too so I asked …

Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model) upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO): 1. Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area. 2. Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake. 3. Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes. 4. Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure. 5. Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it. 6. Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Targe…

Sam's girlfriend's birthday was the same day as his father's. He bought his girlfriend a bottle of perfume and his father a pistol. He wrapped the perfume and wrote a note to his girlfriend saying 'Use this all over yourself and think of me.' Unfortunately he put the note on his father's present.

Sam was on his death bed and his wife and children were gathered around him. Suddenly the aroma of chopped liver filled the room. Sam perked up a bit and said to his wife ""That's it one last time before I die I must have some of your delicious chopped liver."" Sam's wife looked at him sadly and said ""Sorry Sam it's for after.""

There was once this monastery in a small, remote town. One day, they find a baby in a basket left on their doorstep. A monk takes the baby in, and calls him Sam. The other monks raise Sam as one of their own. These monks would regularly perform in choirs at the monastery, and at church services and events. They had many young boys in the choir with them, but they quickly found that Sam had a great gift. Something about his singing was powerful, otherworldly and divine. Many shed a tear at the …

This order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art.... Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below. Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, he hit upon a beautifully intricate note of pure magic. Everyone within miles just froze in mid action, stirred to the very core of their souls by the pure bliss of the tone. And all the realm realize…

Stone. Sam died and left $50,000 in his will for an elaborate funeral. As the last attenders left, Sam’s wife Rose turned to her oldest friend Sadie and said: “Well, I’m sure Sam would be pleased.” “I’m sure you’re right,” replied Sadie, who leaned in close and lowered her voice to a whisper. “Tell me, how much did it really cost?” “All of it,” said Rose. “Fifty thousand.” “No!” Sadie exclaimed. “I mean, it was very nice, but really… $50,000?!” Rose nodded. “The funeral was $6,500. I donat…