Kentucky Jokes

Bagpipes at a Funeral A bagpiper who plays many gigs was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country. As the bagpiper was not familiar with the backwoods, he got lost and, being a typical man, didn't stop for directions. He finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the digger…

How can you tell that the toothbrush was invented in Kentucky? Because it is not called a teethbrush.

Medical Humor 1...A man comes into the ER and yells . . .' My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one. 2... At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,'. . .replied the patient.…

Dozens of Foxnews employees found dead in horrible murder spree! They were in the Kentucky Church in Kingsman! /(this joke makes sense if you have seen the movie)

What do you get when you enter a cow into the Kentucky Derby? Milk and Bookies.

If you get a divorce in Kentucky. . . are you still cousins?

An old couple was driving through Kentucky As they were driving down one stretch of highway, they got pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper approached the car and asked the driver to roll down his window. ""Hi sir, do you know why I pulled you over today?"" ""Actually no sir, I don't."" ""You were going 75 in a 55. You were speeding."" Then the wife yelled from the passenger seat: ""What did he say?!"" The old man rolled his eyes and yelled back. ""He said I was speeding!"" He looked back …

A large plane crashed... A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Kentucky. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left, smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm. The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone. They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried…

The tale of Hobbin & Noggin One day a farmer's mare birthed two foals. One was named Hobbin, and the other Noggin. The two horses grew up and loved to race each other. One day the farmer noticed the two racing each other around the pasture and thought to himself, ""Wow! These horses are quick!"" So the next day he entered them into a local derby. As the race was about to start, the horses were rearing and snorting to get let out of the gate. As soon as the gates swung open, both horses immed…

Bagpipes at a Funeral As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the digg…

A man was walking down a country road... When he heard a voice coming from behind a tree, but all he could see was a horse. ""Hello, remember me?"" the voice said. ""I won the Kentucky Derby two years ago."" ""A talking horse!"" the man exclaimed, so he rushed to a nearby field where he found was working and asked, ""What would you take for the horse?"" ""That horse is no good, you can have him for twenty dollars."" ""Twenty dollars! I'll give you two thousand!"" ""Has that old haybag been givin…

The Kentucky Derby's was last weekend, and officials were on the lookout for trainers who give their horses Viagra to make them run faster. Remember the old days when the horse would just win by a nose?

After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor. The Pope says, ""What can I do?"" The Colonel says, ""I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken'. If you do it, I'll donate $10 Million Dollars to the Vatican."" The Pope replies, ""I am very sorry. That is the Lord's prayer and I can not change the words."" So the Colonel hangs up. Af…

A group of Kentucky second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, the famous Louisville race track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses. When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach …

Here in Kentucky, you don't see too many people hang-gliding. Bubba decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge------- into the wind he goes! Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing talkin bout the good ol days when maw spots the biggest bird she ever seen! ""Look at the size of that bird, Paw!"" she exclaims. Paw raises up,"" Git my gun…

Places I'd Rather Not Live - Paradox, New York - Crapo, Maryland - Boogertown, North Carolina - Spasticville, Kansas - Hellhole, Idaho - Purgatory, Maine - Girdletree, Maryland - Rabbithash, Kentucky

Why are elephants wiser than chickens ? Have you ever heard of Kentucky Fried Elephant ?!

Two Kentucky psychology majors were walking through the campus. ""Do you consider a 1441.Q. high?"" ""Yes!"" ""For the whole basketball team?""

Three students from Michigan State the University of Kentucky and Texas A & M on summer vacation in France were caught smuggling cocaine and sentenced to death by guillotine. The judge turned to the boy from Michigan and asked ""Do you have any final words son?"" ""Yeah drop dead!"" snapped the Wolverine. Hearing this the judge signaled for the sentence to be carried out. The executioner pulled the lever and as the crowd gaped in astonishment the giant blade came to a screeching halt three in…

Brendan had spent a week visiting his family in Kentucky. His sister-in-law and seven-year-old nephew went with him when he returned to the airport. After verifying his seat number with the counter attendant Brendan walked back to his relatives and stated that he'd have to wait an additional three hours in the airport. ""How come?"" his nephew asked. ""My plane has been grounded"" Brendan explained. ""Grounded?"" the little boy said. ""I didn't know planes had parents.""

You have just received the ""Kentucky Virus""!!! As we ain't got no programin' experience this here Virus works on the honor system. Please delete all the files on your hard drive and manually forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list. Thanks for your cooperation.

A jogger running down a country road is startled as a horse yells at him ""Hey-come over hear buddy"". The jogger is stunned but runs over to the fence where the horse is standing and asks""Were you talking to me""? The horse replies""Sure was man I've got a problem. I won the Kentucky Derby a few years ago and this farmer bought me and now all I do is pull a plow and I'm sick of it. Why don't you run up to the house and offer him $5000 to buy me. I'll make you some money cause I can still ru…

got arrested for smuggling books into kentucky got off on a technicality, no one there could *prove* they were books

3 ducks A hillbilly went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like hillbillies.The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid West Virginia hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, “This duck ain…

If you marry a woman in Tennessee, but divorce her in Kentucky... ... is she still your sister?