Gary Jokes

Im sorry I yelled "GARY LIKED STAR WARS EPISODE ONE" when the pastor asked if anyone knew of a reason why you and Gary shouldn't be married

[Twister] DOG 1: left paw green DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY

I have trouble ending small talk. Some guy I started talking to in 1998 on a bus is still talking to me. His name is Gary. He hates rain.

BOSS: I've called you here because I suspect one of you... IS AN OWL ME: Who? *everyone stares at me, even Gary whose head is turned 180*

"RELEASE THE KRAKEN!" "Kraken's not here." "What? Ugh! What can we release?" "Gary's here." "Gary?! Dammit! Fine... RELEASE THE GARY!"

[playing limbo at Gary's house] GARY: how low can you go? *i sleep with Gary's wife* GARY: wow, that is pretty low

pilot: [via intercom] if you dont shut up back there i will stop this plane co-pilot: [quieter] wont it fall out the sky pilot: not now gary

NEWS ANCHOR: Here's Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report. GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk] I quit. Back to you, John.

Bought some gary speed wallpaper last night, its amazing! it hung itself!

Mary goes to the supermarket... Mary goes to the supermarket, needing eggs and bread. She is particularly fond of potato bread, but she can't reach it, as it is stocked on the top shelf. She sees a taller woman and asks for assistance. The other woman, happy to help, reaches up and grabs the potato bread and hands it to Mary. She thanks her, and the women are on their way. Mary then stops by to get some eggs and runs into the taller lady again. The taller lady introduces herself as Sherri, and s…

Signalman Gary wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector puts this question to him: ""What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"" Gary says, ""I would switch the points for one of the trains."" ""What if the lever broke?"" asked the inspector. ""Then I'd dash down out of the signal box,"" said Gary, ""and I'd use the manual lever over there."" ""What if that had been struck …

Gary and the Parrot. Gary owns a pet shop. One day a customer by the name Stacy walks in and is looking around and fancies a parrot. Looking at this Gary says, that the parrot can talk fluently. Stacy: What do you think about me dear parrot? Parrot: Stacy, You are one big Slut. Stacy and Gary are shocked. Gary takes the parrot to the back of the shop and finds a big bucket of water and dunks the parrot in it. Gary: Are you going to talking trash? Parrot: Of Course Gary. Again parrot is dunked in…

Gary Johnson in an Interview.. Reporter: Knock Knock! Gary Johnson: Who's there? Reporter: What is Alep Gary Johnson: What is Alepwho? Reporter: a-are you serious?

I was watching the news this morning when th presenter said... ""A man has been arrested after half a million indecent images of children were found at his home in Bradford. Our reporter Gary O'Donoghue has more."" Gary, you filthy bastard.

Gary Smith is employed at a small factory of a huge multinational corporation in the small town of Sandberg near LA. One day, the CEO decides to visit Gary's factory. Huge preparations are made to properly welcome the CEO. At one point, the CEO asks the following question. 'Hey, but where is Gary Smith?' Everyone is taken by surprise, but they quickly go get Gary from the production lines of the factory. 'Hey Gary, good to see you,' says the CEO. 'Look, tonight there's this party at the hotel in…

Gary: ""Doctor, I think I'm losing my memory"". Doctor: ""Since when?"" Gary: ""Since when what?""

Guy walk's into a bar A guy walk's into a bar and asks the bartender what drink he recommends. The bartender tells him to try a grasshopper. The guy drinks a few of them, gets drunk, and instead of driving home decides to walk. Halfway home he see's a grasshopper and says to the grasshopper,""hey did you know there is a drink named after you?"" The grasshopper replies,""I didn't know there was a drink named Gary!!""

I'm having a completely dry January... ...no foreplay whatsoever. (Stolen from Gary Delaney's show this evening - great show Gary!)

Some strangers sit at the bar. One guy says, ""My name is Larry, and I am a SNAG."" Another guy asks, ""What's that?"" The first guy says, ""I am a Single, New Age Guy."" Another guy says, ""My name is Gary, and I am a DINK."" A lady asks, ""What's that?"" He says, ""Double Income, No Kids."" The lady says, ""That's nice. My name is Gertrude, and I am a WIFE."" Larry asks, ""A WIFE?"" Gertrude says, ""Wash, Iron, F**k, Etc.""

Emergency Landing: Gary thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on... *to copilot* STOP CRYING, GARY WILL HELP

A village of glass houses... There once was a village in the middle of a vast open field. The village had survived for centuries based on their tradition and culture. This consisted of specific dances and celebrations, body paint, and the most noticeable and apparent: the use of glass buildings and structures. The people who lived in the village believed in complete and utter honesty. Therefore, telling a lie was punishable by death, and nothing could be hidden from anyone. Everything was out in…

Ray and Gary: The Shot Ray and Gary were at a firing range, they wanted to shoot but the officers there said they can't shoot yet. Ray asked Gary if they wanted to take a shot without the officers noticing. Later that night Ray somehow managed to break in to the locked gun room but Gary was gone. Ray waited for an hour until he saw a speeding car, following were 3 cop cars but in the speeder was no one other than an intoxicated Gary. He took shot as a beer shot. 'Wonderful' Ray thought. Gary jum…

Ray & Gary: The shot Ray and Gary were at a firing range, they wanted to shoot but the officers there said they can't shoot yet. Ray asked Gary if they wanted to take a shot without the officers noticing. Later that night Ray somehow managed to break in to the locked gun room but Gary was gone. Ray waited for an hour until he saw a speeding car, following were 3 cop cars but in the speeder was no one other than an intoxicated Gary. He took shot as a beer shot. 'Wonderful' Ray thought. Gary j…

Country boys learn the ways of the world One fine night, hot blonde Gina has her car break down on a lonely highway. Since no mechanic is in sight, and no car seems to pass by to ask for a lift, she knocks at the door of the nearest house she can find. She's greeted by an unwilling old man. She explains her situation to him, saying that she just needs a place to stay for the night...the grumpy old man finally relents, and tells his dumb but innocent sons, Gary and Carl to sleep in the living roo…

It was the 50th wedding anniversary between Mary and Gary. Because of this special occasion, Mary thought that she will prepare nice dinner for her beloved one. She made his favourite soup and second course that they were eating on their first date. Evening comes, candles are burning and smooth jazz is playing in the background. They are looking into each other's eyes and begin to eat. While eating, Mary stops for a second, looks at Gary and says: ""Baby, it's so heartwarming when I am looking a…