Gary Jokes

I bumped into an old friend the other day; ""Alright Tom, how's it going?"" I asked... ""OK mate, but my name's Gary"" he replied. ""Oh shit, sorry Gary. I'm useless with names!"" ""Ha ha, me too"", he said, ""that's why I've got a daughter called Adolf"".

A wife was dying. She called her husband and said, ""Gary, I've been unfaithful."" Gary answered, ""I know. That's why I poisoned you.""

Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We've never met before, right?

john was driving then he cut off gary. gary pulled him over, drew a circle on the ground and put john in the circle. once john was in the circle gary went to his car and pulled out a bat. he started to break all of the headlights on john car then he looked aver and john was cracking up so he broke all of the windows andlooked over at john who was still cracking up. he finnally asked him what was so funny and john said while you were busting up my car...i stepped out of the circle 4 times

At the Funeral 3 gay men died and were all cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral at the same time. They started discussing what to do with their lover's ashes. The first guy says: "Gary loved to fly. I'm going to go up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky." The second guy says: "Mike was a great fisherman. I'm going to spread his ashes in our favorite lake." The third guy says: "I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of 5-alarm chili so he can tear up my ass one more t…

A wife was dying. A wife was dying. She called her husband and said, "Gary, I've been unfaithful." Gary answered, "I know. That's why I poisoned you."

A young wife was dying... She called her husband and said, "Gary, I have a confession: I've been unfaithful." Gary answered, "I know. That's why I poisoned you."

My girlfriend just dumped me. She said in a teary tirade: “I can’t take your shit any more. You’re so pedantic. Everything I do is wrong. I loved you so much, but it’ll never be enough for you.... .... I’m leaving now. Me and Gary are driving up north through the night and then you’ll never hear from me again” She was about to close the door when I yelled **“No, no….waaait”** She turned back, tears in her eyes, a glimmer of hope still remained. That was when I uttered those three magic words…

Times were tough. We lived in the bush when I was growing up, my dad was a float plane pilot shuttling loggers around - he'd bought a piece of land close to where he worked. In the winter time, the lake we were on froze and we were on our own unless we wanted to skidoo 6 hours to the nearest town. My dad, also a hunter, was keen on keeping his family fed - so he'd often use the guise of our remoteness to to maybe, bend the laws a smidge to provide some nourishment. Early one spring, he was o…

After my boss died, I attended his wake. He had an open casket, and I got in line to pay my respects. When it was finally my turn, I knelt down beside the body, and said softly: *“Who’s thinking outside the box now, Gary?”*

[Long] A family of four decides city life doesn’t suit their style anymore So they sell their house in the suburbs and buy a dairy-cow ranch. After a week or so, the dad and 2 sons are out mending the fences, when their neighbor comes driving up the road and stops to introduce himself. “How y’all doin? The name’s Al, friends call me Big Al. Are you folks new to the trials and tribulations of ranching?” The father said yes, and the pleasantries continued until Big Al asked if the family ranch …

At my boss's funeral kneeling and whispering at the coffin "Who's thinking outside the box now Gary?"

My girlfriend just dumped me. She said in a teary tirade: “I can’t take your shit any more. You’re such a pedant. Everything I do is wrong. I loved you so much, but it’ll never be enough for you. I’m leaving now. Me and Gary are driving up north through the night and then you’ll never hear from me again” She was about to close the door when I yelled “No, no….waaait” She turned back, tears in her eyes, a glimmer of hope still remained. That was when I uttered those three magic words. “Ga…

An old man was at the doctor's office for his annual checkups and tests. Gary was sitting alone and patiently waiting for his test results. He was just checking his watch when the doctor returned.

John was unable to choose between two girls... So he asked his friend Gary for help deciding which girl to be with.

Signalman Gary wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

I was watching the news this morning when the presenter said.. "A man has been arrested after half a million indecent images of children were found at his home in Bradford. Our reporter Gary O'Donoghue has more." Gary, you filthy bastard.

Want to know where to find the worst pun in Alberta? Call gary

What do you call a guy with no hair named Gary? Garibaldi

Boss asked Gary to buy 2 corner tickets for a movie to watch with his girlfriend. Tim bought 2 corner tickets (ie) A1..............A15!

Gary and Neville are riding through the desert on their horses. As they ride along, Neville smells something horrible. He stops his horse and turns around. He says, “Hey, you shit your pants?” Gary says, “No.” He believes him and they keep riding. As they go on, the smell gets worse. The smell is so bad, flys begin to swarm. Neville stops his horse and turns around. He then says, “Are you sure you did not shit your pants?” Gary says, “Yes, I am sure.” They keep going and now the smell is getting…

Gary tried to light his cigarette. He struck the first match on the match box, but it didn’t light. He tried another, It didn’t light too. The third one finally lit his cigarette, carefully blew the match out and put it in his vest pocket. “What for did you put that match in your vest pocket?” asked the another man. Gary replied, “That’s a lucky match stick. I’ll use it again.”

Little Gary was filling a hole in the garden when his neighbor looked over the fence and asked, “What are you doing here, son?” “I’ve just buried my goldfish; it died” replied Little Gary tearfully. “That is a mighty large hole you dug for a goldfish” said the neighbor. Patting down the last bit of earth, Little Gary said, “That’s because my goldfish is inside your stupid cat!”

Alex: “Why did you throw the butter outside?” Gary: “Because I want to see Butterfly!”

Mother: “Won’t it be nice when baby brother starts to talk?” Gary (rather jealous): “What does he want to talk for? He gets everything he wants by just crying!”