Facebook Jokes

A marine is looking for a seat on the train... A Marine boarded a train on his way home from deployment. The train was quite crowded, and the Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed middle-aged French woman, but when he got there he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using th…

Facebook should make a bigger deal over privacy, certainly as far as photos are concerned. I managed to find a really attractive girl I'd seen before, and without adding her, I could see all her photos, including some in a bikini. I mean, she's lucky it's only me wanking and not some pervert.

The love story of 6 and 9 Sit children, and let me tell you the tale of a guy who was caught in a predicament. One day a guy was mowing his lawn. He was about a 6, so let's call him that. 6 was mowing his lawn until a dog came running down the street. 6 chased the dog until he caught him. He turned around and saw that a beautiful girl had been chasing the dog too. She was a 9, so lets call her 9. 9 thanked 6 for getting her dog. 6 asked for her number. His palms sweat while 9 made her decision…

If you're going to do something illegal don't plan it through Facebook Do it somewhere private where no one will see you, like google+.

Facebook..in real life... Presently, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles. Therefore, every day I go down on the street and tell the passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before and what I will do tomorrow night. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog and me gardening and spending time in my pool. I also listen to their conversations and I tell them I love them. And it works. I already have 3 person…

I wanted to make friends but I had no facebook So I went out on the street and started shouting what I cooked, ate or drank. Right now I've got 3 followers - two cops and a psychiatrist

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you how you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn." Stupid firemen [I originally saw this joke on a friend's facebook picture he shared](http://i.imgur.com/6Q1KD6K.jpg) but others have pointed me to: [OP](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3m4zpu/i_hate_those_people_who_knock_on_your_door_and/) [OP2](https://www.reddit.com/r/Christianity/comments/3m3nzl/i_hate_those_people_who_knock_on_your_door_and/)

I just saved a ton of money on my Christmas shopping by expressing my political views on facebook.

Just met a guy I saw this in one of my university facebook pages: Just met a guy. Omg he was so fit. Handsome even. Never will I meet a guy like him again. Caring. Emotional. Nice. And his name is the first letter of each sentence.

"Batman, we need your help in Paris immediately." "Worry not, Commissioner, I've already changed my Facebook profile picture."

Facebook is like a prison. You look around, write on walls, and are poked by people you don't know.

Facebook Problem Someone knocked at my door last evening. When I opened it, I saw a guy from Dominos holding a chicken pepperoni pizza with extra cheese and onion rings. "I haven't ordered any pizza," I said. "This must be a mistake." "I know," he replied. "Your neighbour forgot his Facebook Password and wanted to show you what he was eating for dinner."

A young man walks into a bar And sees a horse. Young man: 'Why the long face?' Horse: 'Women. The ones I like anyways. Young man: 'Why? What's the problem? What kind of women do you like?' Horse: 'I like my women like I like my coffee.' Young Man: 'Ground up and in the freezer?' Horse: 'N..What? No! Sweet and strong you freak.' Two scientists walk in... Horse: 'Hey guys, first one's on me. What'll it be?' Scientist 2: 'We'll both have water thanks.' Scientist 1 to Young Man: 'What's e…

Just changed my Facebook name to ‘No one' So when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say ‘No one likes this'.

Two sisters There were once two sisters, one called Petal and one called Fridge. One day, Petal asks her parents, "Why did you call me Petal?" and they replied "Because just after you were born, a petal fell on you." "Bllaaarrarararraraaarg", says Fridge from the corner. Edit: neat, near the top of /r/jokes frontpage! That's, cool, thanks! And yeah, there's a few versions of this, but I found I had posted this as my status on Facebook about 6 years ago (along with a statement that I had…

Facebook now says I have 198 people following me. Doesn't do a lot for my paranoia.

Tinder is for Rookies Instead go to Facebook marketplace. Search for wedding dresses. This will bring up all the newly single women in your area. From there you can filter by size.

Helpful tips for a safe eclipse viewing experience Found this on Twitter shared by someone who found it on Facebook as a screenshot of text. Those aren’t allowed here so, I've retyped the text. Credit to whoever came up with it: **Helpful tips for a safe eclipse viewing experience:** * The people of Tennessee may have the best view but will also be the first to be sacrificed. * Animals may behave strangely. If your dog speaks like a man heed its dire warning. * Don't trust the squirrel with th…

My aunt (who already has 3 children by different fathers) posted on Facebook that she was pregnant with twins. Don't ask me why, but I couldn't resist commenting: "Congratulations auntie, finally two children from the same father"

"Being a Reddit user, I hate facebook" says my wife. Me: "Why darling?" Wife: "Because I need to have friends to be on facebook."

I read on Facebook there is a Canadian political party leader that everyone loves It's probably not tru-deau

A Pole-ish joke Two engineers……. Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said one, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, and announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away. …

Now that Elon Musk has bought Twitter and laid off half the staff, he’s planning on buying YouTube and Facebook and doing the same with them. To save even more money, he plans on merging the three companies into one… …He’s going to call it YouTwitFace.

I uninstalled Facebook as i got depressed of seeing my friends post their relationship and marriage I uninstalled LinkedIn as i got depressed of seeing my colleague post their job change and promotion I uninstalled instagram as i got depressed of seeing my friends travel and enjoy their lives. But I'll never uninstall reddit because you guys are more miserable than me .

Don't go on Tinder Go to Facebook marketplace....and search for wedding dresses. It will show you recently divorced females. From there you can filter by size.