Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife's office Christmas party.

Both Christmas and New Years fell on a weekend this year, which had to suck for the four or five of you that still have jobs.

I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn't hand out drugs.

Bouncer: ID please Me: I got socks for Christmas Bouncer: ...okay Me: and I'm genuinely happy about it Bouncer: so sorry come on in

DAD: I can't believe you bought me a house for Christmas SON: I hope you enjoy it DAD: I'm just gonna... SON: Oh no DAD: Live in the present

4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy? Me: After lunch 4yo: I want lunch right now. I'm starving!! Me: We just ate breakfast 4yo: Starving!

They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I'd love to hear a Michael Buble version of Monster Mash.

All-day Christmas music at work, day 4: Just Googled "Candy cane prison shank"

Wife: Valentine's day is right around the corner. Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.

What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving? 1. Minimum wage 2. Police reform 3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise

Christmas shopping can be so frustrating. Why don't they sell frankincense at the same stores they sell the myrrh?

I'm on Twitter because my brother got a chemistry set for christmas when he was little and I got plaid pants.

I received this computer for Christmas yesterday. I'm already ashamed of the things it has seen.

Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year's Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I've been doing this all year. Where were you back in May

U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn't have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything

Sarah Palin's new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.

Fun Christmas Trivia: "Myrrh" is the awkward sound you make when you look at your bank balance on Dec 26th.

scary Halloween costume idea: eye contact

*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*

CAPT. AMERICA: Merry Christmas, Hulk! Happy Hanukkah, The Thing! Er... what religion are you, Thor? THOR: Do you understand I'm an actual god

The 12 Days of Christmas reads like the amazon wish list of someone tripping balls

Hey kids, for Halloween, let's go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead! Kids: Church?

It's my wife's birthday tomorrow. She never says anything, but I know it hurts that she gets less gifts because of how close Christmas is.

Cashier: haha that's a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh Me:... Cashier:... Me:... Cashier:... Me: yep

(Halloween Costume Shop) ME: *leaving after not finding anything* CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren't free, buddy.