First they came for the Fight Club members, but I said nothing, because...you know...rules.

As a father of girls, I think the best interview method for potential suitors will be: "Let me see your phone"

Everyone is normal until you find their Twitter.

A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, "why the long face?" & the horse says, "why the English Lit degree?"

What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.

"What you just said reminds me of something completely different I want to talk about." - Everyone

If you haven't taken at least 25,000 pictures of your cat then you shouldn't have a cat.

I'll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.

I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. :(

"Uh-oh!" - My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog

The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.

Hey General Motors, what about an electronic drum set on the steering wheel? You're welcome.

*wakes up to wife and son screaming* me: What are you guys yelling about? them: YOU'RE DRIVING

Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.

Hey, women that breastfeed in public... What's with you not winking back?

Day 16,607: Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope

When I go to Victoria's Secret, I just throw things on the floor to see how they'll really look.

"I haven't read an update about Karen's Farmville crops in a few days. I hope everything is OK." - no one, ever

*brings a super-magnet to a knife fight* *discovers that stainless steel is not magnetic*

Dear YouTube: Please just assume that I'd like to "skip ad". You don't need to ask anymore.

I'm a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)

Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don't need it.

It's hard to look like a badass when you're slurping on a strawberry smoothie.

[God creating hairless cats] How about some foreskin with night vision.

My printer just woke from sleep mode with a huge toner.