"War and Peace 2: Woody Saves Buzz" (Tolstory)

Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.

Imagine how trendy the clothes are at New Navy.

Someday I wish to experience the moment of joy that seems to only exist in Old Navy commercials.

My daughter said she was in a memoir. I was intrigued until I realized what she said was meme war. Whatever tickles your fancy, Love.

I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you'll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.

Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o'clock Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o'clock]: we'll worry about him in an hour then

War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I'm busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.

I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.

Billion dollar idea: war.

Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.

"I have no porpoise!" -existential marine biologist.

Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he's holding my hand & crying about his childhood. I need to wipe.

[soldier making lunch] Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]

"why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?" because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly

When Obama declared war on Ebola, an executive producer at Fox News tried to find it on google maps.

I'm gonna go out on a limb and declare 'Drugs' the winner of the war on drugs.

"Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria." "What's Updog?" "[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati

Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini's cat

We get about 25 screaming 5 yr old little girls together to scream nonstop at terrorists, BOOM, we win the War on Terror!

Jamaica has declared war on drugs. Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.

"What do we call this war?" "The World War?" "No. There's already been 1 of those" "Uh this is a world war, too" *the streetlights explode*

History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud

The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.

Just saw the hood of my jacket out of the corner of my eye and jumped out of the way, in case the Navy SEALS are hiring.