[creation] GOD: You will each have a flaw BAT: I am blind SNAKE: I am deaf DOG: My breath is a little bad

I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out. Advantage: human.

elephants sleep standing up you could be chillin with an elephant and at any moment they could just be like "lmao for sure, g'night"

Dog Park Kid: What's his name? Me: Dorito. He's a therapy taco. Don't pet him. Kid:*Throws Ball* Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*

Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.

The cat licks itself and it's cute. I do it and I'm "no longer allowed in the library".

Look into a dog's eyes while it's pooping and you'll understand Nietzsche.

Scientists have spliced the DNA of a human with a sea cow. Oh, the humanatee.

*at a loud house party* Is this your- I SAID IS THIS YOUR HOUSE? I NOTICED THE DOG BOWL. WHERE IS HE OR SHE, I'D LIKE TO PET HIM OR HER

Caught my co-worker MICROWAVING a HOT DOG with a SLICE of AMERICAN CHEESE on it. Don't worry I pushed him out a window.

"Is Phil coming tonight?" "Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?" *suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*

Doctor: "The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions." Me: "Okay, I'm ready." Doctor: "You're not a cat."

"It's a bird! It's a plane! It's Superman!" "Nope." "A spider? An aardvark?" "Wrong. It's a horse." "Wow. You can't draw for shit."

BLIND KIDS: Lady Gaga looks like what a chicken sounds like.

Lucy plans elaborate jewel heist. Lucy dons cat burglar suit to conceal identity. Lucy pulls off heist. Lucy in disguise with diamonds.

You can give a centaur a fish AND lead him to water, which is pretty awesome.

Txt from wife: where r u Me:kitchen Wife:can u feed cat M: I mean garage W:bring in laundry M:bathroom W:clean toilet M: Idaho W:get potatos

GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks? SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok

An Italian rugby player will miss a match against Scotland after being bitten by a dog; Scotland was quoted as saying "good boy."

My CW just barked. Ok, it may have been a burp, but I'd like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.

gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make: - a snake - worm - eel - dog, hot - 2 snakes

[breaking up with girlfriend via the jumbotron] "Hey, check out the scoreboard while I grab a hot dog."

Saw a hawk swoop down over the highway and fly off with a snake in his mouth and I can't even switch lanes while eating a Twizzler.

Papa Bear: I wish he'd Mackle more. Mama Bear: I wish he'd Mackle less. Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.

Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you're a hero but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset