*COPS* cop: there he is! get him! 'you'll never catch me! i'm translucent-man!' *goes translucent* cop: we can still kinda see you

"well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don't think-" [cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR

one time I saw a cop on a horse start to walk it down some steps and I thought "oh the horse is trained for stairs" and then they both fell

Don't you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss. Worst police interrogation ever.

"Your under arrest!" No, YOU'RE under arrest *police looks around points to himself & mouths 'me'* Yeah you. *he tosses me cop car keys*

cop: "you kinda look like one that's all" me: "in no way am i a pirate" cop: "hmm, are you sure?" parrot on my shoulder: "did he stutter?"

You might spend a night in jail for it, but raising a cop's breathalyzer and saying "Cheers!" before blowing is both bold and beautiful.

COP: do you know why I pulled you over? COP'S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you're scared of the movie COP: Yes it's too real

Wife just texted me drive slow - cop around the corner so I laughed and showed it to the cop.

COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead PICASSO: I got this

Cop: License and registration please. Me: Give me a second, I'm drunk. Cop: Sir, have you been drinking? Me: No.

COP: careful, this guy's insane DETECTIVE: ok [he walks into the interrogation room] ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos D: jesus christ

Fortune teller said my boss would suffer a deadly accident. But, I already knew that. I needed to know if the police would figure it out.

COP: The killer wrote a message on the victim's mirror ME: You can't prove it was me COP: It was written in Dorito dust ME: I want a lawyer

DETECTIVE: There are signs of a struggle here [earlier that morning] ME: *trying to get up for work*

When the police officer asks how much have I had to drink tonight- 'all of it' wasn't as funny to him as it was to me.

Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I'm getting paid to tell him his job.

COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test ME: ok COP: lets get taco bell ME: no COP: text ur ex ME: no COP: ok ur good

[Crime Scene] Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim. [in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]

What idiot called it the Police/Fire Department Headquarters and not GUNS 'N HOSES?

If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn't listen to the victim. I'd draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, "Is this him."

Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs? Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.

[over megaphone] "Police! We have you astounded!" "Jim, it's 'surrounded'." "No, I know but look at his face."

Watching police ticket people parked incorrectly that are in church right now and understanding that Jesus and karma have a sense of humor

Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Because I'm pretty? Cop: No Me: Because I'm on Twitter? Cop: No Me: Officer I can do this all day