Third Man Jokes

Three businessmen are playing golf... ... the first man puts his thumb to his ear, his pinkie to his mouth, and just starts talking. The other men are confused, but the first man says ""It's just a phone call, I had a microphone installed in my pinkie and a speaker installed in my thumb!"" The second man is about to tee off when he pauses and just starts talking to himself. He explains to the men he has a microphone in a tooth and a speaker in his ear for business calls. Suddenly, the third man …

Four guys go golfing. One of them is held up in the country club with some accounts to settle, so he tells the others to start without him and he'll catch up. The other three guys move on to the first hole and start talking about their kids. The first man says, ""I'm really proud of my son. He started off as a small realtor showing houses every day and working himself to death, but it paid off! Now he owns his own real estate business that has offices across the country. In fact, he's done so we…

Three old men discuss what is the fastest thing that exists... The first man says: ""Well, for sure it's light. Light is the fastest thing in the universe"". The second man says: ""You're not wrong, but I think thought is the fastest thing in the universe... You can travel anywhere with your mind in an instant"". The third man says: ""Well... both of these are good ideas but I have one that beats it... The fastest thing is the shits... because if you get the shits, you won't have time to neither…

Two friends were hunting in the woods one day... When they stumbled upon a giant, gaping hole. They were confused because they had been in that part of the woods several times, and they'd never seen it before. ""Damn. How deep do ya s'pose it is?"" one asks. ""Couldn't say..."" Says the other. ""Hey, hows about we drop something in n' find out?"" The two men look around for something to throw in. One finds a decent-sized tree branch, takes it to the hole, and drops it in. The two men listen clos…

Once upon a time in the Wild West.. There was a good visited Saloon. Suddenly the door opens and a guy with uncountable knifes comes in and goes strict to the Barkeeper. ""One shot Tequila"" he says...the Barkeeper answers: ""who are you? I have never seen you"" ""What do you think? Im the knife-Bill"" A couple minutes later another guy walks in and everybody was very scared. He has in every hand a pistol, and on the back a giant one and two large cartridge belts. The Barkeeper was very awed and…

Three men stand at the gates of heaven St. Peter looks at the 3 men and says, ""in order to get around up here, you will all need a car. In heaven, we distribute cars to everyone based on how faithful you were to your spouse before you died. The first man tells St. Peter, ""I never as much as looked at another woman. I would never even think about being with anyone except my wife."" St. Peter nods and gives the first man a brand new Rolls Royce. The second man tells St. Peter, ""I was not a perf…

Three men are waiting at the gates to heaven When they are told they will receive a better car, the more loyal they were to their wives. The first man approaches St. Peter and St. Peter says ""you sir were very loyal to your wife you get a Lamborghini"" the man thanks St. Peter, gets in his car and drives through the gates. The second man approaches St. Peter and St. Peter says ""you sir were loyal except for one instance. You get a Chrysler"" the man expresses his regret and enters through the …

Three men are talking about their wives... There are three men sat around a table in a bar. The first man says, ""I think my wife is having an affair with an electrician. When I got home last night I found a pair of pliers and some insulating tape behind the radiator in the bedroom - we've not had any work done on the house, and I can't think of any other way they could have got there"" The second man says, ""I think my wife is having an affair with a carpenter. Last night I found a toolbelt in …

Three men are fishing.. Three men are fishing on a pond and no one's catching anything, so to make things interesting one throws in a rock and says ""wow did you just see that fish jump!?"" The second guy replies ""Nah, how much do you think it weighed,"" to which the third man, who saw the rock thrown says ""Musta weighed at least a stone!"" This happened, I was the third guy, but neither of my buddies got the joke so now I retell it to get the (much deserved) laughs I was supposed to get two w…

I'm the best lover... ""I'm the best lover"" says a man to his two friends, ""I made love to my wife ten times last night and in the morning she said she could never love another man."" ""That's nothing,"" says the second man, ""I made love to my wife twenty times last night and my wife said she would kill herself should I ever leave her."" ""I only made love to my wife once last night,"" Says the third man, dejectedly. The other two are shocked. ""What did she say in the morning?"" Asked one. "…

The butcher, the baker, and the candlestick maker. Three men show up at the pearly gates and Saint Peter is has already had a long and tiresome day. Saint Peter tells the three men he will let them in if they tell him about a masterpiece they created and how they died. The butcher approaches the gates and says ""I had just finished cutting fillets from the most amazing tenderloin and when the jealous ex-husband of the lady I was seeing came in and stabbed me with my own knife. I have forgiven hi…

Tell your favorite fart joke growing up. More terrible the better. Three men jumped out of an airplane. The first one jumped and dropped a penny. When he landed, he found a boy crying, and asked him why he was crying. He of course said, a penny fell on his head. A second man jumped and dropped an apple. He found another kid crying, and he asked why. The boy said an apple hit him in the head. The third man jumped and dropped a grenade. He found a boy laughing his eyes out when he landed. He asked…

Three gay men on a bench. Three gay men are sitting on a park bench one day, enjoying the nice weather. The first man farts and it sounds like a quiet hiss. Like a gas leak (lel) The second man farts and it's the same quiet hiss. The third man farts and it's a regular thump of a fart. The first two men look at eachother and say in unison: ""Virgin"".

3 men board a plane. As the plane was flying over their destination, one of the men threw a apple out of the plane. The second man threw an orange out of the plane and the third man threw a bomb out of the plane. When the plane landed, the men got out of the plane and went their separate ways. The man who threw the apple sees a girl crying and asked her what was wrong. She replied with ""an apple fell from the sky and hit my head."" The second man sees a small boy crying. He asks him what happen…

3 men are lost in the desert... and on the brink of death, they desperately pray to God for help. Suddenly, the skies open up, and a booming voice comes down from the heavens. ""I will do this for you three men: Run up that sand dune in front of you, and when you reach the top, yell out something you want to turn into, and it shall be so."" The first man thinks, and decides that a desert animal would be best. He runs up the hill and yells ""Camel!"" It was so, and he began trekking across the de…

Relaxing Raju Singh decided to take a trip to the park and lay down in the grass. A man walks up to him and asks ""that looks comfortable, are you relaxing?"" Raju replies ""No Sir, I am Raju Singh"". Later, another man comes up to Raju and also asks him ""the grass looks great, are you relaxing?"" Annoyed, Raju says ""No sir... I am Raju Singh"". Finally a third man comes up to Raju and asks him the same question. Very annoyed, Raju gets up and walks to the other side of the park where he sees …

Death or Buki? Three men are marooned on a desert island. They wander the island looking for food and are captured by some hostile natives. They are brought before the chief who says ""You decide. Death or Buki?"" The first man replies ""uhh...Buki I think."" He is immediately taken by the crowd and sodomized. The second man horrified says. ""Oh God...Buki."" He also is taken by the crowd and suffers the same fate. Finally the third man says. ""Death!"" the chief raises an eyebrow and says. ""De…

A man comes home early to surprise her wife He walks up the stairs, into the bedroom and gently wake up the wife. Then he goes to the window and shows to the woman their new car, just bought, after years of savings. In that exact moment, they see a thief trying to wire start the car. The man, instinctively, lift the closet and throw it through the window, smashing the car and killing the thief. Unfortunately, he also fall from the window and die on the floor, 5 floor under. That night three men …

Three men are deserted on an Island Three men become deserted on an Island after their Boat crashes. They soon encounter the King of the Island who promises a way off the Island. The only catch is only one of them is allowed off the Island. The King requests that whoever finds the most Ping Pong Balls on the Island will be granted the way off the Island. The three go their separate ways to find the most Ping Pong Balls. The first man comes back after four weeks with a bag full of Ping Pong Balls…

A bored man on a train... A bored man on a train walks up to 3 people sitting next to each other. Deciding to troll them, he says to the first guy, ""Hey, what's your favorite flower?"" ""A rose,"" the first man says. The troll says, ""Oh, we wipe our ass with that flower in my country."" He asks the next man the same question.""A sunflower,"" the next man says. ""Oh, we wipe our ass with that flower in my country"" Getting asked the same question, the third man says ""dandelion."" ""Oh, we wipe…

Three men die and go to heaven St. Peter welcomes them at the Pearly Gates and tells them they are all allowed to enter but there is one rule they must not break, under no circumstances can of them step on a duck. As they walk in, they realize there are ducks everywhere. The first guy makes it about an hour but then accidentally steps on a duck. St. Peter has him handcuffed to the ugliest woman the man has ever seen. Determined not to make the same mistake, the next two men are careful, but it i…

Cheating wife A man has been suspecting his wife is cheating on him and decides he'll try to catch her in the act. One day he comes home early from work to find his wife all dolled up awkwardly sitting alone in the living room. ""Alright! Where the hell is he!?"" he screams. The wife claims she has no idea what he's talking about. The man goes into a rage and starts tearing through the whole place. He notices a man standing outside the apartment on the sidewalk. In his rage he is convinced that'…

Each man gives a story Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, ""Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"" So the first man replies: ""Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th …

Three men are sitting in a delivery room... Three men are sitting in a waiting room outside a delivery room in a hospital. A nurse comes out of the delivery room and addresses the first man: ""Sir, your wife just gave birth to a beautiful and healthy set of quadruplets."" The man replies: ""That's so amazing because I live in Four Corners, Montana, what are the odds?"" Another nurse comes out of the delivery room and addresses the second man: ""Sir, your wife just gave birth to a beautiful and h…

So three elderly men at a rest home are conversing about their age... The first man says, ""When I get up at 6:00 AM, it takes me a half hour to pee."" Second man says, ""You're lucky. When I get up at 7:00 AM, it takes me a straight hour to take my morning poop."" Third man says, ""I piss like a racehorse at 6:00 and crap like a goose at 7:00."" ""Then what's the matter with you?"" asked the other two. ""Problem is, I'm not up until 8:00!""