Second Woman Jokes

Two women get on an elevator. The first woman reeks of perfume and the second says, ""What's that perfume?"" The first responds, ""Chanel #5, $99.00 a bottle."" The elevator stops on the fourth floor and another woman boards reeking of perfume. The second woman sniffs the air and the third woman says, ""Paradise $149.00 a bottle."" The elevator stops on the sixth floor and the second woman moves to the front to exit, lifts her skirt and farts. She says as she exits, ""Baked Beans - 49 cents a ca…

Two women who are dog owners are arguing which dog is smarter. First woman: My dog is so smart. Every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around and then he takes a newspaper and brings it to me. Second woman: I know. First one: How? Second one: My dog told me.

Two women died at the same time. Both women had lived good christian lives. They both found themselves standing in front of the pearly gates greeted by St. Peter. St. Peter said that they were shoe-ins to heaven, but they each had to answer one question in order to get in. He asks the first woman "What was the name of the first woman?" "That's easy, she says. Her name was Eve." Trumpets sound and angels sing as the gates open and she enters the kingdom of heaven. To the second woman St.…

Streaker in a Gym!!! Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball, suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head. He passes the first woman, who looks down at his privates. "Thank goodness!!! He's not my husband," she says. He passes by the second woman, who also looks down as he's passing. "He's not my husband either," she says, also not recognizing the unit. He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her. …

Three old women were sitting on a park bench... ...all of a sudden, a man ran in front of them wearing a long overcoat. He opened up his coat, and he was wearing nothing underneath. The first woman had a stroke. The second woman had a stroke. The third one couldn't reach.

Ducks Three women die in an accident and go to Heaven. There Saint Peter says, 'We only have one rule - don't step on the ducks!' They enter Heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks everywhere. In fact, it's almost impossible not to step on a duck, and the first woman accidently steps on one straight away. Saint Peter comes along with the ugliest man the woman has ever seen and chains them together saying, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!' T…

Three old women are discussing how their memory isn't what it used to be. The first woman says, "Sometimes, I'm in the elevator, and I don't remember if I'm going up or down." "The second woman says, "sometimes, I have a bottle of mayonnaise in my hand, and I don't remember if I'm taking it out of the fridge or putting it back." "The third woman says, "Well, I don't have any of those problems, knock wood," knocking on the table. "Oh, hold on a second, someone's at the door."

So these two ladies walk into a mortician's office. The first woman says to the mortician, "I've got my husband here in his very best blue suit, but what I'd really appreciate is if you could have him in a black suit for the funeral. Here's a blank check, use whatever you need, I just want him in a black suit." The mortician agrees and thanks the woman and the first woman leaves. Now the second woman comes in and says, "I know I've brought my husband wearing a black suit, but I've always rea…

Three women die and go to heaven... St. Peter greets them at the gate and says "We only have one rule in heaven, and that is to not step on any of the ducks." The women thought this was a strange rule, but they went in anyway. When they entered they could see there were many ducks covering the ground and it would be very hard to not step on a duck. They tried not to step on any ducks but eventually the first woman stepped on one. St. Peter came to the woman and told her that her punishment for …

Three women decide to compare their husbands to soft drinks. Three women are out to brunch, and they're talking about who has the best husband. One of them decides they should compare their respective husbands to soft drinks (sodas). First woman: "My husband is like 7UP, because he's 7 inches and he's always up." Second woman: "Well my husband is like Mountain Dew, because when he's mountin' me, he knows what to do." Third woman: "Well my husband is like Jack Daniels." First woman: "That's …

Ducks in Heaven Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, And although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your pun…

A man and two women die and go to heaven They reach the pearly gates, where St. Peter greets them and has them sign some legal papers. They are confused, but sign anyway, eager to get to paradise. As they finish, St. Peter points to the last paragraph of the papers, saying, "Pay special attention to that provision. Do NOT step on a duck." The three are confused, and think it's just a joke so they smile and nod. The gates are opened and they enter heaven, realizing heaven is just FILLED with d…

3 Mothers attend a psychiatrist As the 3 mothers sit with their children the psychiatrist begins to make his observations. To the first woman he says, "You have an obsession with money, that is why you named your daughter Penny." To the second woman he says, "You have an obsession with alcohol, that is why you named your daughter Brandy." While this is going on the third mother begins to hurry her son out of the door, "Come on Willy we'd better get going."

Three women are at a restaurant getting lunch. They all date men named Jeff, by coincidence, and they always get confused when they talk about their boyfriends. One of the women says to the others, "Why don't we give our boyfriends nicknames so we can tell them apart?" The second woman, takes a drink of her soda and says, "Why don't we name them after soft drinks? I'll call mine 7-Up, because he's got seven inches, and it's always up!" The third woman says, "I'll call mine Mountain Dew, caus…

Loose women 3 women are sitting at a bar conversing over lady stuff. Eventually the first woman says, "I'm so loose I can fit an entire carrot up there.." The second woman chimes in and says, "yes, well I'm so loose I can fit an entire baseball bat up there.." The Third woman slides down the bar stool

Two women die and arrive at the pearly gates of heaven. However, there's only room for one of them in heaven. So St. Peter tells each of them, "Whoever has the best thing to show me can enter." So the first woman pulls up her blouse, revealing her beautiful sweater puppies. St. Peter nods, and then turns to the other woman. The second woman lifts up her skirt and starts urinating. St. Peter nods, and says, "You may come into heaven." The first woman, protests and says, "How did I not get …

The smartest dog One day, two women were arguing about whose dog is smarter. The first woman says, "My dog's so smart, every morning he waits for the paper-boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me." The second woman replies, "I know.." The first woman, surprisingly ask, "How do YOU know?" The second woman says, "My dog told me."

Two women waited for St. Peter at the Gates of Heaven. The first woman asked the second how she ended up there. The second woman said “It was very dark and cold and I was shivering and it was unbearable. I was so cold I slowly faded from consciousness and died. What about you?” The first woman said “I was convinced my husband was cheating on me, so I went home early from work to catch him in the act. I burst into the house but he was watching tv. I wasn’t convinced, so I tore through the…

Heavenly Ducks Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, And although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your puni…

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven: When they get there, St. Peter says. "We only have one rule here in heaven, don’t step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says. "Your punishment for step…

Ducks Three old ladies died and went to Heaven. The first lady met St. Peter at the gate. "Welcome to Heaven! You can do whatever you want, but whatever you do, you must not step on a duck." The woman was confused. She soon found out there were ducks everywhere. On the third day there, she stepped on a duck. St. Peter showed up with a hideous looking man and made them face each other. They were handcuffed together for eternity. The second woman was also greeted by St. Peter with the same w…

4 religious women were chatting First woman mentions her son: -My son is a priest, whenever he enters a community, people stand up and call him, "Father, welcome" The second woman doesn't seem impressed: -My son is a bishop, people call him "Your excellency" when he is in a community. The third woman talks after listening to the first two: -My son is a cardinal, when he is in a formal setting, people call him "Your eminence", and they kiss his hand. He has also met the Pope. The fourth wo…

I asked my wife if a second woman could come in bed with us She asked who the first was

Three women were sitting around boasting about their sons. One said: "My son graduated first in his class from Stanford. He's now a doctor, making $250,000 a year in Seattle." The second woman said: "My son graduated first in his class from Harvard. He's now a lawyer, making $500,000 a year in San Francisco." The third woman said: "My son never did too well in school. He never went to any university but he now makes a $1,000,000 a year in New York working as a sports repairman." "What's a sports…

Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as lovers. The first woman says, "My husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that." The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kind of like that." The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband is a sales man. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's goi…