One-Liner Jokes

I'm my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.

A chihuahua is just a barking cat.

whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he's taking a pretty nasty shit in there.

Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?

Sometimes I just wish people were as easy to forget as PIN numbers.

She has a coy pond. All the pretty fish swim away when you try to feed them.

No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.

I don't hate you, but if you we're drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.

OMG! It's colder than a pimps heart out here!

I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone's gotta have multiple.

*Gets 500 word angry text from ex *responds, you mad bro?

parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are

Long, satanic walks on the beach.

You're either a dog person or a non person.

"Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!" - literally no one ever

Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.

I don't need a panic room; I can panic perfectly fine anywhere.

Drop it! Please, just DROP IT. - My dog, whenever I'm eating.

Justin Bieber's home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.

Money doesn't grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.

Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today

If you roll out your chapstick more than an inch, I'll see you in court.

Her: What brings you to speed dating? Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.

It's Palm Sunday and we didn't drink the wine out of a coconut? I don't know why this church even has a suggestion box.

"No mom I DON'T HAVE a boyfriend!" -lie you tell at 18. "No mom I HAVE a boyfriend!" -lie you tell at 28.