One-Liner Jokes

I just laid on my cat's keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.

While other countries are doubling down on education, we're using chicken breasts as sandwich bread.

Using my toes to pick something up makes it hard to go to church on Sunday.

"WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!" Can you please stop being so melondramatic.

me: how much per hour? babysitter: $15 me: okay here's $2.37 million see you in 18 years

When the dryer buzzer scares you so bad you have to do another load of laundry.

I've been eating sunflower seeds and Tweeting for 9 hours. Now I know what my canary feels like.

I don't care what the FBI says, America's most wanted still sounds like an honor.

I hate when the definition of a word has other words that I have to look up also.

Google+ is not a "ghost town", because a town filled with ghosts would actually be fun.

I think maybe the key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.

The difference between my "Maine lobster" and my "main lobster" is boiling water or a high five.

I choose what country to visit each year by the shape of the first chicken nugget I eat.

When I meet a celebrity I like to bring a ceiling fan with me so I can be all "Nice to meet you. Big fan".

Kobe Bryant's Wife filing for divorce. I bet somewhere right now Kim Kardashian is plotting..

Old enough to know better, but still too drunk to care.

All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.

Kudos to therapists for resisting the natural urge to top other people's problems.

Why aren't marriage prevention hotlines a thing?

I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.

I feel a weird sense of pride when I'm so drunk that autocorrect just gives up.

I wanna rock with you, but not all night. That's unrealistic.

Sorry I stuck a cheese puff in your baby's mouth when you couldn't find a pacifier.

If you play jazz backwards, you get slightly better jazz.

Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.