One-Liner Jokes

Is it too early to start drinking? - some moron with a clock.

There's a new type of broom out, it's sweeping the nation.

"Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?" -Disney's Frozen I paused the movie to tweet this...

If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler's hand.

If you sit beside me, you're part of my drumkit.

ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren't here THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know

*rolls out of bed* *rolls into other strategically placed bed* "Nice."

[first date] HIM: Can I call you sometime? HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can't... I lost my phone

That awkward moment when you're scuba diving and you see adele rolling in the deep.

I have no problem admitting that you made a mistake.

If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.

Boss: You're fired Me: No YOU'RE fired Boss: No Me: Yeah Boss: *starts sweating*

Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage

Huge bowls of cereal are the parentheses to my night's sleep.

Twitter should send notifications when you're about to get fired and divorced.

Couch: $300 TV: $1000 Chips: $3. The look on your face when you don't have electricity: Priceless

Attractive people, have the decency to leave news and comedy to the rest of us.

When Leo said, "To all my friends, you know who you are" he was talking about the bear

You do not want to see me before I've had my coffee! And I don't want to see you after, so now what?

If you didn't have a Lexus waiting under the tree for your lady, you're a piece of shit who doesn't know what love is.

Saying "excape "makes me wanna stab you in the "exophagus".

The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof

Looking for a nice, wholesome girl I can bring home to mom. She only dates nice, wholesome girls

Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words

It's like my Uncle said, no body, no crime Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was...