Maurice Jokes

Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love. This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.

Her: What are your desires? Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]...Unconventional.

Travelling salesman walks into a bar in a one horse town... After a few drinks he approaches the bartender... ""Barkeep! I need a woman"". Bartender says ""sorry Mac, the best I can do for you is Singaloo, the cook"". Guy spits back ""I don't go for that shit!"" And sits down again. Few more drinks he goes back to the bartender: ""look, if money is the problem I'll take care of you, her... Whatever - I just need a woman"". Again the tender replies ""sorry, Mac. Best I can do is Singaloo the cook…

More 83 YO dad funnies. Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?' Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.' 'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?' 'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.' An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and w…

Mike Tyson is hosting a spelling bee A contestant approaches the stage and Mike says, ""the word is dictate"" The contestant thinks for a second, clearly pondering the spelling of the word. ""Dictate... Mike, could you please use that in a sentence?"" Mike smoothly replies, ""Well of course. When I was in prison, Maurice told me that my dictate good""

Ben is serving term in prison for fraud. One day he receives a letter from his father, Maurice Dear Ben, It looks like I won't be able to plant anything in the garden this year. I am growing too old to do any digging without your help. Looking forward to your early release. Love, Dad Ben replies: Dear Dad, Please don't dig up the garden - that's where I hid the money. Be patient and wait until I get out. Love, Ben At 4am, the police show up at Maurice's house and dig up the entire garden…

Six months after a waiter died, his widow went to see a medium who promised she would contact him in the great beyond. In the course of the séance, the widow was sure she could see her husband standing in the corner, dressed in his waiter's uniform. "Maurice!" she cried. "Come closer and speak to me!" A ghostly voice drifted from the corner: "I can't. It's not my table."