Marys Jokes

Jim and Mary. Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news h…

A man dies and goes to Heaven... He is greeted at the pearly gates and sees billions of clocks. He asks the angel what they are for. The angel responds that they show how many times a person has lied. The man sees the Abraham Lincolns has moved only twice and the St. Mary's hasn't moved at all. Then, he asks where Obama's is. The angel responds "it's in Jesus's office. he's using it as a ceiling fan"

My favorite nursery rhyme. Mary had a little watch, she swallowed it one day. Then Mary took a laxative to pass the time away. Well, time went on and time went on, and time still wouldn't pass. So, if you want to know what time it is, just look up Mary's ^brother ^in ^Omaha. ^He's ^got ^a ^Rolex.

What body part grows ten times its size when stimulated? The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times it…

What body part grows 10 times its size when stimulated? The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its s…

Two Irishmen in a bar A man stumbles up to the only other patron in the bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks, "Where are you from?" I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds, "You don't say. I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland." "Of course," replies the second man, and they both pour back their drinks. Curious, the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes t…

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist..... I noticed his BDS degree on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall , handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 25-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been…

What organ can expand to 10 times it's size... The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?" No one answered so the teacher picked on a random student Little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part…

Two Irish men are sitting in bar in New York.... The one Irish man turns to the other and asks him where he is from. The second Irish man responds by saying, " I'm from northern Ireland." "Me too!" Says the first Irish man. He proceeds to ask the second Irish man where he went to school. "St. Mary's Catholic church" "Me too! What year did you graduate?" "1974" "Oh! Me too" they went on for a while discussing the similarities between their lives. One local turns to the bartender and asks, "Wha…

Two men were sitting next to each other at Murphy’s Pub in London. After awhile, one bloke looks at the other and says, ‘I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland’ The other bloke responds proudly, ‘Yes, that I am!’ The first one says, ‘So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?’ The other bloke answers, ‘I’m from Dublin, I am.’ The first one responds, ‘So am I!’ ‘Mother Mary and begora. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?’ The other blo…

The 6th grade science teacher The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "What human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"Little M…

An Irishman walks into a bar. . . . . . and there is only one other guy in the bar. He goes down and sits next to the guy. He orders a big beer. The other guy says, “I couldn’t help noticing by your accent you seem to be from Ireland.” The other guy says, “As a matter of fact I am. Let’s drink to Ireland.” And they do and tell the bartender to set them up again. Then one asks, “Where are you from in Ireland?” The other says,”I’m from Dublin.” The other exclaimed, “That’s amazing! I’m from Dubli…

Mary is invited to her boyfriend Johnny's home for dinner and to meet his parents She's very nervous about meeting them, and is on her best manners so as to ensure she gives her best impression. The parents are warm and seem pleased to make her acquaintance after all they've heard from Johnny. The family dog Fido is also very friendly and soon takes a liking to her. They sit to sumptuous dinner which the parents have prepared and begin eating and making conversation. Fido wants to stay close …

A man was driving in a very rural area. Suddenly he saw a sign, "St Mary's Convent and Brothel, All Welcome, 10 miles." He was very surprised, and when he saw the St Mary sign, he turned of and stopped in the parking lot. He knocked on the door, and an elderly nun opened it. He said, "I am here for the brothel." The nun just nodded and took him down a long and winding corridor. At the end, next to a door, there sat an even older nun. She said nothing, and just pointed at a small sign sayin…

Two men entered heaven… and Saint Peter said to the first, “Please tell me your name, your occupation, and where you lived during most of your mortal life” the first man replied, saying, “Harry Jones, Taxi Driver, Southeast London.” Saint Peter said, “Ah yes, now take your silk robe and golden staff and enter the holy gates of the Silver City!” Harry then said, “Aw nice one geezer, cheers!” and walked through the golden gates. Saint Peter then said, “And who might you be?” to the second man…

Murphy's Pub **Two men were sitting next to each other at Murphy's Pub in London. After awhile, one bloke looks at the other and says, “I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland.”** **The other bloke responds proudly, “Yes, that I am!”** **The first one says, “So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?”** **The other bloke answers, “Im from Dublin, I am.”** **The first one responds, “So am I!”** **“Mother Mary and begorra. And what street did you live…

Why was Mary's phone bill so high? She was a roamin' catholic.

A man was struck by a bus on a busy city street. As he lay dying, a crowd gathered around him. "A priest! Somebody fetch me a priest!" gasped the dying man. A policeman checked the crowd, but there was no priest, minister or man of God of any kind. "A priest, please!" the dying man repeated. Then out of the crowd stepped a little old man. "Officer," he said, "I'm not a priest, I'm not even a Catholic, but for the past forty-two years I have lived behind St Mary's Catholic Church, and every night…