Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.

Here's a crazy idea. What if Budweiser took all that advertising money and actually made better beer?

I misread a headline today as "the stealthy face a tax increase" and thought good luck catching those ninjas, Obama!

STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN'T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.

I think if my rich neighbor realized just how great of a party he is going to have at his house tonight, he wouldn't leave for vacation.

Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I'm gonna be rich.

Hey people who cold call my cell phone: I've got a better way for you to make money with your mouth.

Interviewer : What are your expectations? Me : Job. Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job? Me : Salary

If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I'd have way too many god damn taxes to pay.

[on phone with debit fraud] Bank guy: Sir do you shop on line at all Me: DUDE IT'S 2017 WE BUY TOILET PAPER ONLINE BG: M: Sometimes. Yes

We see you, guy who "doesn't want any pizza," contributes no money, then eats 6 slices when it arrives. We see you, and God sees you.

I'm 25, which means I'm just as far from 10 as I am from 40. Although, in terms of money and maturity, I'm still way closer to 10.

im tired of things costing money

As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed... And then I remembered I got gas.

I just saved a bunch of money by shopping online with other people's credit card numbers.

I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.

One day I hope to be rich enough where I don't feel compelled to refill my fountain soda before I leave a fast food establishment.

[fleeing the bank we just robbed] accomplice: play it cool this time, okay? me: GOD I HATE CRIME YOU GUYS police officer: alright he's clear

*knocks on door* You're too fat. "Wha--" You're way too dumb. "Wait--who.." Hi, I'm Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You're too poor for one.

I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn't notice it wasn't me. I need a monkey.

If a guy tells you he makes 6 figures a year it doesn't necessarily mean he's rich. He could be a really lazy guy working at a toy factory.

*6 opens piggy bank* Me: wtf where'd you get all that? 6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you'd never know

Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don't have jobs and the money was probably mine.

Her: It's disgusting how many dirty habits you have. Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???

Dear Grocery store clerk, What part of me searching madly and paying in nickels & dimes suggests I can donate a dollar to the food bank?