Ppl at Starbucks are weird. They love it when I bring our chihuahua in a little baby stroller, but get all freaked out when I let him nurse.

Just went to the dentist. He's a pretty average, normal guy so I assume he'd be one of the four out of five.

Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit Me: ok Dentist: I've been sleeping with your mom

Gift horse "My gums are bleeding." Dentist "Well this is a professional dilemma..."

Why would you name your human child Hunter? Hunter is a profession. That's like naming your kid Dentist.

I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me

Me: "Hi, do nurses still give sponge baths?" Nurse: "Sir, you're just here for a blood pressure reading..." *pulls pants back up*

[hospital] "I'm afraid it's bad news. Your husband will never walk again" "Oh God, he's paralysed?" "No, someone's bought him rollerblades"

Me: "Hey doc, what's that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?" Doctor: "40"

In my house there are 5 females, 9423 pony tail holders, 49 bottles of nail polish, 8 justin bieber posters & 1 very patient, worn down man.

{marriage counseling} I guess it all started when I saw him put the toothpaste on before the water... *therapist scribbles furiously*

Psychiatrist: "Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds." Me: "So how does that make you feel?"

I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I'M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!

My doctor says I should lose 10 lbs and work out more. But why? Spanx launched a men's line.

Doctor: "I'm afraid-" *Wife crying* "I'm afraid your husband is in a better place now." *cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*

'When I go to the bathroom at work and someone follows me in' Doctor: I meant is there anything worrying you, physically

My therapist keeps telling me to stop dating women who believe in the healing powers of crystals and I'm all like, "Nope."

[The mid 20s catch up] "What are you drinking, who you seeing?" [The midlife catchup] "Who's your therapist, what are you taking for it?"

[doctor's] INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc? DR: Your tests are all clear IM: Is that good? DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I'm not sure

It doesn't matter how up-to-date your donor card is, the hospital gets really judgey when you drop off a liver unannounced.

My doctor told me to start killing people. Not in those exact words but he said I needed to reduce my stress. Same thing.

Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly...do you want me to close the door? Me: Do you wanna watch? Nurse: *closes door*

My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It's odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.

Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people? Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.

[At maternity ward] Me: is this where babies are delivered Nurse: Yes Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers