"Put your pants on grandma, you're scaring the reptiles!" - Me, camping

The "letters to the editor" page of your local newspaper is like Twitter for the elderly.

wow. chess is like a whole different game when you play it with your clothes on. was it always like that, grandpa? cause I don't like it.

Sorry I ate that banana so slowly at your grandpa's funeral.

Grandma Got Ran Over by a Reindeer is my favorite song about how to incorrectly deal with the loss of a loved one during the holiday

wife: "just break it to him gently" me: "ok ill try" [tucking son in bed] me: [opening story book] "once upon a time your grandma's dead"

"Wow, that's great!" ~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn't just tell me your Grandma died.

[gathers around casket and see's it's full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means [grandma's body is being dumped over the winning coach]

Grandma: 'And that's how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home' Me: 'So you haven't seen my scarf?'

my grandfather destroyed the economy w/ the overproduction of coins he pulled from behind my ears. the market simply could not deal

A lady posted her grandmother's brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook

Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing Me (dying): and not a retirement plan

*orders a medium pizza* *opens box* PIZZA: I've contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know- *eats pizza*

"I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!" - Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.

This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.

Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers? Me: idk i've never done it B4 Gma: holy shit you're a natural

My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.

My kids don't even know they have a grandma that gives them $100 on their birthdays

My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.

I get it grandma. I'm not sure what to do on Facebook either.

It's like grandma always said... Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won't be invited back.

Why do we have 52,455,865 pictures of Grandma? -my future grandchildren probably

My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army. Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.

[Seance] *knock, knock* ME: Wh-who's there? [ouija board spells out A-T-C-H] ME: atch who? [spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U] ME: Dammit, Grandpa!

No Grandma, an iPad is not a new brand of Maxi Pads