19 people got trampled at the Berlin Love Parade?! That's like if the War on Terror resulted in more terrorists!

Someone should make a movie where something unusual appears, and the scientists want to study it and the military wants to shoot it.

*Lowers thermostat* *Dad puts it back* *Lowers thermostat again* *Dad puts it back again* The real Cold War

Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won't be the worst reason we ever went to war.

Wouldn't that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? "So retro!", you'd think as you were vaporized.

My 17 yr old grandpa joined the navy during WWII b/c "he figured if the boat got shot he'd drown, &not have to worry about any other stuff."

Baby Soldier: Ma'am. Your husband is MIA. Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands* Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.

A general tweet to those who attack me but I miss because they're blocked: I'm totally gutted. Well done. You're fierce! You got me GOOD.

The general rule is that you shouldn't ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity

(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl) War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one "What was your favorite part?" I'd have to say the Peace

"We need to talk" *stop, drops and rolls *Army crawls out of the room

"Every dog has his day," they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.

If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven

[Going through customs] Anything to declare, sir? 1...2... Sir, what are you 3...4...I declare a thumb war! Oh bring it on *misses flight*

My biggest fear is dying alone. Not really stoked to die with people either. You know, dying in general doesn't exactly sound like pancakes.

Weddings r cool bc u can cry in public about other stuff as long as u look in the general direction of the bride + groom

*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield* General: "STAY STRONG, MEN!" *soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*

There's a fine line between being spotted in line at Old Navy and getting shot in the face.

"How'd you die?" "I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?" "I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen" "Oh.."

The Swiss must've been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.

Apparently, "he's an army officer" isn't the correct response to "who's your daddy".

Are you surprised at life in general or is that just the way you plucked your eyebrows?

Me: ugh I have to wear a tie today, adulting sucks. Grandpa: I had to fight in World War II when I was 19. Me: I guess you kind of get it.

Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.

[first day as a soldier] Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs Me: where we going? Army guy: to war, soldier Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy