Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single

It's time to go to bed when you type the name of the website you are already looking at into your browser.

My Website Hacking 101 class is going okay. I just learned how to bypass the Birth Date Security on beer websites.

Imagine this: you're home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers "Bless you" and hangs up

Let's be honest: When life gives you lemons, most of you just cry to the internet about it.

Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..

*goes to get phone out of car *sees car has been stolen *finds phone in back pocket OH THANK GOD

STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.

According to my Nike fitness app, I watched TV for 6 miles this week.

I paid $22 to connect to the internet from an airplane flying over the pacific so you guys better provide some worthwhile content

You said you run for fun? You know we have the internet now?

Loan shark: If you're late my guys will ... Me: Tell my gf my phone password? LS: Break every bone in your body M: Oh. Yeah that's fine

Is there an app that will make my iPhone go get my iPad which is way over there on the desk next to my iMac? iHopeso.

Oh hey, I see you touched your computer again. -Adobe Updater

Fun Fact: If you answer your phone, "Christ speaking", 70% of the callers will hang up on you. You're welcome.

When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say "Sure".

A website just logged me off due to inactivity. Hope my life never does that.

It's too bad that everyone who has a solution for everything is at home commenting on the internet.

OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.

Tech support guy asked me to rank my issue as normal, urgent, or extremely urgent. I did a 6min long scream into the phone & let him decide.

The NSA has been tracking phone records for Verizon customers. They skipped AT&T because those people can't complete calls.

Searching for stuff on the internet when you're drunk is called Beer Googles.

I shut down my computer in the middle of an iTunes update and I think Siri just sent a Terminator back in time to kill teenage me.

My greatest acting performance is when I check the caller ID, then adopt an air of polite curiosity as I answer the phone "Hello?"

It really bothers me when the free Internet that I'm leeching off from the cafe across the street is kind of slow.