United Airlines Jokes

Why did the vulture fly United Airlines? Because they allow 1 free carrion

A customer service award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being so clever while making her point when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers, when suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk front. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, ""I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS!"" The agent r…

United Airlines FA: ""Ladies and Gentlemen as you are all now painfully aware our Captain has landed in Seattle. From all of us at United Airlines we'd like to thank you for flying with us today and please be very careful as you open the overhead bins as you may be killed by falling luggage that shifted during our so called ""touch down.""

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny and making her point when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport a crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said ""I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be …

It's a shame Carrie Fisher was on a United Airlines flight when she had her heart attack. If she was on another airline there might have been a doctor on board.

Why are you flying with United Airlines? Beats me.

Was going to do United Airlines joke But everyone already United Airlined me to it.

What headphones does United Airlines use? Beats by Dr.

A man went to the United Airlines counter A man went to the United Airlines counter. The ticket agent asked

Things that will get you kicked off an United Airlines flight: 1)Wearing leggings

UPDATE: United Airlines now offering a new addition to their inflight meals chinese takeout

Was out of the loop. Asian friend told me United Airlines has the power to deny your liberties He said they punched his rights out.

What's the difference between Game of Thrones and United Airlines? One has dragons and the other has drag-offs

Have you heard the new United Airlines motto? ""One drag a day keeps the doctors away!""

So many failed United Airlines jokes... They just don't get off the ground.

Being on a United Airlines flight is like smoking weed. You take a hit

What's the difference between United Airlines and a magician's hat? You can't pull a live rabbit out of a United jet.

A Russian oil baron who had six children – all girls – began to despair because he had no son and heir. Imagine his joy when one of his wives finally presented him with a son. Just before the boy's sixth birthday, the baron took him to one side and said: "Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get for you." The son replied: "Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane." Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him United Airlines. Just before his son's seventh bir…

Pilot: "Control tower, what time is it?" Control tower: "What airline is this?" Pilot: "What difference does that make?" Control tower: "Well, if it's United Airlines, it's 6 p.m.; if it's American Airlines, it's 18.00 hours; and if it's Alaska Airlines, the big hand is on the 12 . . ."