Sean Lock Jokes

If Sean Lock was a Hollywood actor... ... He'd be Robert Frowny Jr. - Jimmy Carr

My wife sent me to the shop to buy a butternut squash then got annoyed when I came back with three items. (credit: Sean Lock)

I hear voices in my head But I ignore them and carry on killing. (Sean Lock)

A woman said to her husband one day: "Show me your feminine side." "Okay," he replied, and walked out the door. When he returned forty-five minutes later, she moaned: "Where have you been?" He said: "I've been parking the car." They say a woman's work is never done. Maybe that's why they get paid less. Sean Lock

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess: "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can cook my meals, clean my clothes, give birth to my children and forever feel happy doing so." That night, while the princess dined on frogs' legs, she kept laughing and saying: "I do…

How many climate sceptics does it take to change a lightbulb? None. It's too early to say if the lightbulb needs changing. Attempting to recycle Marmite jars while Alaska is being drilled for oil – it's like turning up at an earthquake with a dustpan and brush. Sean Lock

A small boy was looking after his baby sister while his parents went shopping in town. He decided to go fishing, so he took her with him. But that evening when his parents were back home, he was in a bad mood. "I'm never taking my sister fishing again," he told his mother. "I didn't catch a thing!" "Never mind," said his mother. "Next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away." "It wasn't that," said the boy. "She ate all the bait!" Interesting fact: a shark will only attack you …

A young man kept pestering a tailor about giving him a job selling suits. Eventually the tailor agreed that if the young man could sell a particularly hideous green suit, he would take him on. "But don't get your hopes up," he warned. "That suit has been in this shop for more than two years. Nobody has been able to sell it – not even me. So I doubt you'll fare any better than the others." Two hours later, the tailor returned from lunch to find the young man bleeding, his face covered in scratche…

A guy walked into a bar and saw Van Gogh sitting on a stool. "Hi, Vince," he said. "Can I get you a drink?" "No, you're okay," said Van Gogh. "I've got one 'ere." What I don't get is that women will accept a drink from you in a bar. But when I stand on my front doorstep with a can of Kestrel, see a female and ask, 'D'you want a swig?' they run away. Sean Lock

A man went into a library and asked to borrow a book on suicide. "No way," said the librarian. "You won't bring it back." A bit of advice: never read a pop-up book about giraffes. Sean Lock