If Sean Lock was a Hollywood actor... ... He'd be Robert Frowny Jr. - Jimmy Carr

My wife sent me to the shop to buy a butternut squash then got annoyed when I came back with three items. (credit: Sean Lock)

I hear voices in my head But I ignore them and carry on killing. (Sean Lock)

A woman said to her husband one day: "Show me your feminine side." "Okay," he replied, and walked out the door. When he returned forty-five minutes later, she moaned: "Where have you been?" He said: "I've been parking the car." They say a woman's work is never done. Maybe that's why they get paid less. Sean Lock