Major Jokes

Never date a philosophy major My last girlfriend was one and she spent most of her time trying to prove that I didn't exist

An Irishman wants to rob a London bank... An Irishman wants to rob a major London bank, but he is worried that his thick Irish accent will give him away. He decides to go to a language class to learn how to speak Proper English like a real Englishman. After months of practise, he strolls into the bank with a sawn-off shotgun, and in perfect upper class English says: ""I say, old chap, hand over all your money or I'll jolly well shoot your head off!"" The bank teller just looks at him. ""You're I…

I am a Art major Leave me a loan

I Finally Chose a College Major... Me: Dad, I think I want to go to college for botany. Dad: Are you sure? What made you interested in that? Me: Well it is a growing field.

A major American chain of stores may be on the receiving end of some recent controversy. Although sources will not outright name the chain for legal purposes, they did say the stores have painted a giant target upon themselves.

G-flat major We stood in church preparing to sing. I leaned toward my wife and whispered, ""This hymn is a full council block."" She whispered back, ""What do you mean it's a council block?"" ""Well its got six flats."" . . . The bruises are beginning to heal.

Flight Troubles Major Turbulence is hitting a Delta flight hard, and the engines start failing, the plane starts diving into the ocean, the flight attendants tell everyone to remain calm, they tell them once they hit the sea, they can swim to shore, and to those who cannot swim, ""Thank you for choosing Delta.""

Pete Rose is really bummed that Major League Baseball didn't reinstate him... he was gettin' some great odds bettin' they would

Why did Laketown pass new emissions regulations? They had a major Smaug problem.

There was an infantry man that rode horses for over 50 years. What was his name? Major Bumsore

So apparently Adrian Peterson is trying out for Major League Baseball teams... A lot of teams like that he is a switch hitter...

In light of recent events... ...I believe Adrian Peterson should start playing Major League Baseball. He'd be a great *switch* hitter.

The death Symphony (x post from /r/feghoot) TL;DR monkey poo makes great pudding. In the mid 1950s the New York philharmonic was one of the best Symphony Orchestras in the world. And conducting was Major Jorge Fillmore. George Fillmore was a WWII vet who loved music, and found that conducting helped him keep his PTSD at a minimum (although PTSD had yet to be understood by the medical community, let alone given a name). The flow of the notes soothed his soul and the power of conducting such a lar…

(Long joke) A man is dying of a rare disease... This disease has left his body covered in large, bright, yellow, pus-filled craters and has grown exponentially worse over the course of a few months. The man is told by numerous doctors that there is no cure to his life- threatening illness and he doesn't have much time to live. A Make-A-Wish-esque foundation hears of his condition and decides to let him live out any experience he'd like. The man has always been a huge baseball fan, but has never …

How to Mess Up a Job Interview We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The lowlights: - ""...stretch…

A Dictionary of Project Terms Project slightly behind original schedule due to unforeseen difficulties. (We got so sick of working on this that we decided to do something else.) Major Technological Breakthrough. (Back to the drawing board.) Developed after years of intensive research. (It was discovered by accident.) Customer satisfaction is believed assured. (We are so far behind schedule that the customer will be happy to get anything at all from us.) The design will be finalized in the next r…

The Difference Between Football in the North and South WOMEN'S ATTIRE Up North: Chapstick in their back pocket and a $20 bill in their front pocket. Down South: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, powder, mascara (waterproof), concealer, and a fifth of bourbon. Wallet not necessary, that's what dates are for. STADIUM SIZE Up North: College football stadiums hold 20,000. Down South: High School football stadiums hold 20,000. FATHERS Up North: Expect their daughter to understand Sylvia Plath.…

Have you read the book ""100-mile Horse Trek"" Who wrote it? Major Bumsore

The New Drum by Major Headache

Army Jokes by Major Laugh

The Insurmountable problem by Major Setback

The Punished Schoolboy by Major Bumsaw

Nebraska joke You'll only get it if you've ever had to drive across Nebraska... So, Gen Custer and Major Reno are at the Battle of the Little Bighorn and Reno turns to Custer and says, "General I have good news and bad news." Custer says, "hmmm give me the bad news first" Reno replies, "we have 2000 Indians led by Chief Crazy Horse that are going to massacre every one of us and chop our remains into little bits." Custer: "That is bad; what's the good news?" Reno: "We won't have to cross …

Donald Trump goes to a fortune teller and asks ""When am I going to die?"" The fortune teller replies: ""you will die on a major Mexican holiday."