Jones Jokes

An elderly woman is called to the stand.... In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecutor called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked,""Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"" She responded, ""Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a small boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brain…

a young man goes to confession the priest asked "" do you have any sins to confess?"" "" yes father, i've had carnal knowledge of a young lady."" the priest shakes his head "" was it molly watson? i've seen how short her skirts are."" "" i can't tell you father."" "" was it the smith girl? i've seen how low her tops are cut."" ""was it the jones girl? she always seems to be looking at boys."" "" i really can't tell you father."" "" alright, say 100 hail marys and 200 our fathers and come by ever…

Forgiving Your Enemies Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, ""How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"" 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady. ""Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"" ""I don't have any,"" she replied, smiling sweetly. ""Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"" ""Ninety-eight,"" she replied. ""Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and…

Avatar 2: Avatar vs. Indiana Jones Immediately following the events of the first Avatar movie, the Navi are forced to lead a nomadic lifestyle in search of food and resources. It is discovered that by stimulating the reproductive glands of a new found life form, the Navi are able to manipulate both time and space. The Navi invent a plan to go back to their old way of life. Three Navi warriors are chosen to go back in time to just before the war, and hijack the avatar equipment used by humans to …

An attorney called the governor just after midnight,... ...insisting that he talk to him urgently. An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor. ""So, what is it?"" grumbled the governor. ""Judge Jones has just died,"" said the attorney, ""and I want to take his place."" Replied the governor: ""Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the undertaker.""

Rowboat Once there were twin brothers by the name of Jones. Fred Jones was married, and Frank Jones was single. The single brother Joe was the proud owner of a dilapidated row boat. It happened that Fred Jones' wife died the same day that Frank's rowboat filled with water and sank. A few days later, a kind old lady met Frank and thought he was Fred. She said, ""Oh Mr. Jones, I am sorry to hear of your great loss, you must feel terrible"". Frank smiled and said, ""Well, I am not a bit sorry, she …

Knock knock Who's there? Mike jones Mike jones who? Mike jones, who?Mike jones, who? Mike jones

Dealing with Corporate Information Gathering The other day, I was purchasing a television antenna in a major electronics store and was asked by the cashier for my name. ""Why,"" I asked. I don't need a warranty."" ""I have to have it for our records,"" explained the cashier. Fed up with practice of companies gathering as much personal information as possible about their customers, I said, ""Maxine Meriwether Pasquadibisceglie-Jones."" She looked at me in utter confusion. ""Exucse me?"" ""Maxine …

Grandmas and lawyers Lawyers should never ask grandmas a question if they aren't prepared for the answer! In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand. He approached her and asked; ""Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"" She responded, ""Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me.. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind th…

Military Benefits Cpl. Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Cpl. Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain decided one day to stand in the back of the room to observe and listen to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the room full of…

The dead construction worker A bunch of construction workers are wording on a building site, when one of them falls from the top floor and dies on the spot. The other workers draw straws to find out who has to tell his wife. Jack loses and heads off. One hour later, he returns with a big smile and a case of beer. The other workers are surprised: I thought you would tell Bobs wife that he had died? Jack: I did! Other guy: so where did you get the beer? Jack: well, I went to his house, rang the do…

Two Spanish historians believe that they've discovered the Holy Grail. Indiana Jones found it back in 1989, but they lost track of it.

There are rumors that Robert Pattinson from the ""Twilight"" movies may be the next Indiana Jones. If there is one thing I want with my rugged action heroes, it's a little bit of sparkle!

The men of Charlie Company had been in the field for two weeks when the Sarge announces, ""I've got good news and bad news. First the good news. Today we're going to change our underwear."" The troops started cheering at the news. ""Now the bad news. Smith, you change with Jones. Andrews, you change with Murphy...""

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial -- a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, ""Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"" She responded, ""Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Burns. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, you manipulate people, and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you ne…

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist. Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income. He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, ""Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -- Either way, you get your dog back!""

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: If you have GI Insu…

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead show up for the same job interview. The brunette is the first one to go in, and after filling out the forms and going through the questions, the interviewer decides to ask her last question: ""How many D's are there in ""INDIANA JONES""""? The brunette thinks for a second and responds ""One"". The interviewer sends her back with a promise that he'll get back to her after he had interviewed the remaining candidates. The redhead is next. The process goes about t…

A Pastor goes to a nursing home for the first time to visit an elderly parishioner. As he is sitting there, he notices a bowl of peanuts beside her bed and takes one. As they continue their conversation, he can't help himself and eats one after another. By the time they are through visiting, the bowl is empty. He says, ""Mrs. Jones, I'm so sorry, but I seem to have eaten all of your peanuts."" ""That's O.K.,"" she says. ""They would have just sat there anyway. Without my teeth, all I can do is s…

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial--a grandmotherly elderly woman. He approached her and asked ""Mrs. Jones do you know me?"" She responded ""Why yes I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie you cheat on your wife you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never…

Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he sad to his wife: ""When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones."" Wife: ""No I can't marry anyone after you."" Johnson: ""But I want you to."" Wife: ""But why?"" Johnson: ""Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!""

George W. Bush is seen crossing the Potomac river on foot. The Washington Post : ""President Bush crosses the Potomac River"". The Washington Time : ""Bush's conservative approach saves taxpayers a boat"". Mother Jones : ""Bush can't swim"".

A prosecuting attorney called his first witness a grandmotherly elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked ""Mrs. Jones do you know me?"" She responded ""Why yes I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie you cheat on your wife you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything…

The Judge asked the defendant ""Mr. Jones do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth?"" ""I do."" ""Now what do you say to defend yourself?"" ""Your Honor under those limitations... nothing.""

A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man ""Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man?"" Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied ""Naw these are soybeans."" ""You don't understand"" said the preacher. ""Are you a Christian?"" With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said ""Nope my name is Jones. You must…