Houston Jokes

Houston teen kills himself while taking a selfie with a gun He probably should have used a camera

What happenes if the first person on moon was a woman? Girl: Houston, we have a problem. Houston: what is it? Girl: it's nothing. Houston: tell us what is it. Girl: it's just... Nothing, just forget it Houston. Just tell us what it is Girl: i've told you forget it, it's nothing

What was the physicist's favorite football team? The Houston Eulers.

""Houston we have a problem"" Ground Control: Yes? Command: The Soviets beat us to the moon. Ground Control: So? Command: The commies painted the whole moon red! Ground Control: Then just get some white and write ""Coca Cola"" on it!

Blonde flying to Houston, TX A blonde hops on a flight to Houston, TX. She sees first class sits down and thinks, ""I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and I'm staying right where I am."" So the flight is about to take off and the flight attendant comes by and asks for the ladies ticket. ""Mam, your ticket is for coach. You need to go back to your seat because this is first class seating."" The blonde replies. ""I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and I'm staying right where I am."" Puzzled the flight attendant goe…

First Woman On The Moon... First woman on the Moon: ""Houston, we have a problem."" What? ""Never mind"" What's the problem? ""Nothing"" Please tell us? ""You know what the problem is.""

First Woman In Space Female Astronaut: ""Houston, we have a problem"" Ground Control: ""What"" Female Astronaut: ""Never Mind"" Ground Control: ""Whats the Problem"" Female Astronaut: ""Nothing"" Ground Control: ""Please Tell Us"" Female Astronaut: ""Im Fine""

The first woman on the moon: - Houston, we have a problem - What is it? - It doesn't matter, it's nothing - What is the problem? - Nothing! - Please, state your problem. - You know too damn well, what the problem is!""

Great joke I heard at a standup show in Houston this weekend. (Dark humor) Give a man a fish, and he you will feed him for the day. Give a man two prosthetic legs, and he'll shoot his girlfriend.

Wrong email A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accide…

An old man and his wife stop at a gas station... it's an old-time type gas station where an attendant comes out and pumps the gas for you. While the gas tank is being filled, the young attendant tries to make some conversation. He sees that the car has Texas plates and asks the old man, ""I see you're from Texas. What part?"" Before the old man can answer, his wife leans over from hr side of the car and squawks, ""Heyyyy? What'd he say?"" The old man, about to answer the attendant, instead, says…

Bowling Ball Delivery A semi truck driver is hired to deliver a load of bowling balls from Houston to Atlanta. He gets a bonus if he gets it there in under twenty four hours. He's speeding down the highway when he sees two black men walking with a bike. They flag him down and he pulls over. They ask him for a ride since their bike chain was broken. He asks them where they're headed. They tell him that they are headed to a small town in Louisiana. He says ""Hop in the back, that's right on my way…

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during on particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send an e-mail to his wife back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one let…

Moon race During Cold War when the space race was at its highest. Following is an report of communication between Houston and US moon rocket. USMR: Houston, we see the SSSR ship approaching the Moon. Houston: You have your orders. Just wait. USMR: Houston, the SSSR ship is in the Moon orbit. Houston: Doesn't matter. Keep waiting. USMR: Houston, the SSSR ship is preparing for Moon landing. Houston: That is OK, just wait. USMR: Houston, the SSSR ship landed on the Moon! Houston: Doesn't m…

The first woman on the moon The first woman on the moon: - Houston, we have a problem - What is it? - It doesn't matter, it's nothing - What is the problem? - Nothing! - Please, state your problem. - You know too damn well, what the problem is!"

A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London... As they went past the Tower of London the cabbie explained what the building was and provided a brief history. Upon hearing that its construction started in 1346 and was completed in 1412, the Texan stated, "Really? A little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!" Next they passed the House of Parliament, and the cabbie again gave a brief history, omitting the construction dates this time. However, being eager t…

Marines Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines. The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, “I think I’ll get up and get a coke.” “No problem,” said the Soldier, “I’ll get it for you.” While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier’…

Boudreaux gets a construction job A Houston construction site boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came a Lower Cajun. I'm not hiring any Cajuns, the foreman thought to himself, so he made up a test hoping that the Cajun wouldn't be able to answer the questions, and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument. "Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." "Without numbers?" The Cajun says. "Dat is easy," and…

First woman in space "Houston, we have a problem." "What?" "Never mind" "What's the problem?" "Nothing" "Please tell us?" "You know what the problem is." "If you understand me at all, you would've known!"

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter... They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with the wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. Howev…

NASA decides to send up an all-female crew for their next shuttle mission... "Houston, we have a problem." "What's the problem?" "Nothing. Nevermind." "Repeat, what is the nature of the problem?" "It's fine, whatever."

Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines. The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, “I think I’ll get up and get a coke.” “No problem,” said the Soldier, “I’ll get it for you.” While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier’s sho…

How long must this go on? Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines. The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, “I think I’ll get up and get a Coke.” “No problem,” said the Soldier, “I’ll get it for you.” While he was gone, the Marine…

I'm glad the Astros won the World Series The people of Houston have waded so long for this.

Now that Harvey Weinstein's career in Hollywood is over he should move to Houston.