It's the first day of 3rd grade... Their teacher wanted them to behave more grown up since they were no longer in second grade. As such, the teacher told them to use grownup words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer. Susie went first and said she went to see her Nana. The teacher said, 'No, no, you went to see your grandmother. Use the grown-up word.' Next Samantha said she went for a trip on a choo-choo. Once again the teacher again said, 'No, …

At least she didn't say swallow. What's the difference between a teacher and a train? One says: ""Spit your gum out."" the other says: ""Chew Chew."" /Badum cshhhh

A physics professor and his assistant are working on liberating negatively charged hydroxyl ions... A physics professor and his assistant are working on liberating negatively charged hydroxyl ions, when all of a sudden, the assistant says, ""Wait, Professor! What if the salicylic acids do not accept the hydroxyl ions?"" And the professor responds, ""That's no hydroxyl ion! That's my wife!""

Little kid in sunday school the teacher is asking the 5 year olds questions, and asks one specific question to little Suzie; ""And why is it important for us to be quiet when we're listening to the sermon, Suzie?"" To which she replied, ""because the old people are sleeping.""

Computer gender joke A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. ""House"" for instance, is feminine: ""la casa."" ""Pencil,"" however, is masculine: ""el lapiz."" A student asked, ""What gender is 'computer'?"" Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether ""computer"" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. The …

Good Kid! A father had a rather dim-witted son. One day, the son came home from school. His father asked him, ""How was school, son?"" His son replied, ""Great dad! My teacher asked a question, and only I could answer!"" His father was overjoyed. He probed, ""Good kid! What was the question?"" His son replied, ""She asked, 'Who farted?' ""

A mid 30's guy is grocery shopping, and a 20 something blonde catches his eye. She looks very familiar, but he can't remember where he met her. When they moved closer, she said to him, ""Hi - I think you're the father of one of my children."" The guy freaks out. He says, ""I've only cheated on my wife 3 times - in Vegas 5 years ago, in Orlando 4 years ago, and in Seattle 3 years ago. You look familiar, but I just can't remember. Who are you?"" She says, ""I'm your son's Sunday school teacher.""

Philosophy final in a class for philosophy, the teacher looks at his class, grabs his chair, places it on his desk and tells the entire classroom about his final. ""You have only one question: use your knowledge that I have taught you in this class and prove to me that this chair doesn't exist. You have until the end of class."" Now while everyone else in the class worked on long complicated answers to his problem, one student got up from his desk almost as soon as it begun. The student smiles a…

Little Johnny : I like the way you think An elementary school math teacher asked her class one day, ""If there are three birds on a wire, and a farmer shot one, how many are left?"" One little boy said two, but little Sally, realizing it was a trick question, said, ""None, 'cause everyone knows that if you shoot at birds they all fly away."" The teacher congratulates her on her correct answer. Little Johnny, however, disagreed. He said, ""No, there would be one --the one that the farmer shot."" …

A black, a mexican, and a white kid are in a classroom learning about nouns. The teach asks the class to pick two nouns at random and after some debate ""liver"" and ""cheese"" are selected. The teacher informs the children that they will be making sentences with these two nouns. First she calls on little Billy, the white kid, ""Billy, can you use liver and cheese in a sentence?"" ""When my father serves liver he makes it with a side of cheese"" replies Billy. ""Very good, the teach exclaims, ho…

I want to do an essay on chronology and hand it in late... ... so the professor can say ""it's about time!""

Guinea Pig When I was five years old, my teacher asked me if I wanted to take the school guinea pig home. Seven months later, I arrived in the African republic of Guinea.

A law student's logic A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind. Student: ""Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"" Professor: ""Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"" Student: ""OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as they are. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll ha…

a Doctor arrives at the pearly gates.... St. Peter asks him who he is, he replies ""I'm a surgeon, I help the crippled to walk and the blind to see"" Come on in, St Peter says. Next a teacher shows up, St Peter asks who he is, ""I'm a Teacher, I help educate the ignorant and prepared them for successful careers"". St Peter says ""come on in"". A musician comes along St Peter asks who he is, and he says ""I was a Musician, I make depressed people happy and I give lonely people a reason to go out …

Collage Finals At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They were doing so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an ""A"" so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morn…

Philosophy Major: True story With five minutes left in his class, a philosophy professor decides to talk about his own college experience. ""Philosophy is basically a dead-end major. You know where your career is going when you sign up for it."" He looks at one student and asks, ""What would your parents say if you told them you were changing your major to Philosophy."" The student says, ""They'd be thrilled. See, I am a theater major.""

The absent minded professor recently moved to a new home. His wife knew that he would forget the new address so she wrote it on a piece of paper and made sure that he would keep it. After 5 minutes of lecturing the professor went to the university, and then, of course, lost the note. So he went back to his old home to see if he could retrace his steps. Luckily he sees a little girl playing jump rope, and he asks ""Excuse me, but do you know where Dr. Brown moved to?"" The girl replies ""It's oka…

An English professor sees a gorgeous blond at a party . . . ""Pardon me,"" he says, ""but do you enjoy Kipling?"" ""Gee, I don't know,"" says the blond. ""I've never kippled before.""

Teacher wants to play a game... 'Today we'll relax a little and play a spelling game. Each of you will stand up, tell us your name, what your father does, spell what your father does, and then tell us what he would do for us if he were here today. All right, Jack, you can go first."" Jack stands up and says, 'My name's Jack. My father is a baker, thats B-A-K-E-R, and if he were here today, he'd bake a cake for the whole class to enjoy."" The class claps excitedly! Teacher says, 'Very good. All r…

Marketing 101 A professor explained about marketing to MBA students. 1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party, you go to her and say I am rich, marry me. That's direct marketing. 2. You attend a party and your friend goes to the girl to tell her, he's rich, marry him. That's advertising. 3. The same girl at the party walks to you and says, you're rich, do you want to marry me? That's brand recognition. 4. You say I'm rich, marry me and she introduces you to her husband. That's the demand and supply…

I was begging my professor to give me one more point so I could pass the class. He argued that it would be immoral, like getting money that you didn't earn. I said ""its not exactly the same thing"". He said ""you get the point"".

The principal of a school stops by a teacher's room... and tells her, ""I'm sorry for not telling you sooner, you're going to have three new students today, from out in the country."" The teacher prepares three new desks, and waits all morning, but no new students show up. That is, until one boy in a pair of overalls runs in at about 10:00 a.m. and says, ""Sorry Miss Teacher, ma'am. I was on the top of Blueberry Hill till just now, and then I see the time and come a-runnin!"" The teacher excuses…

Old Russian Joke as told by one of my college professors who was Russian. Had a professor in college who was one of Gorbachev's and later one of 21 economic advisers under Yeltsin. He used to tell us these sort or stale Russian jokes that I always got a kick out of. Here is one of them: Jimmy Carter and Brezhnev were having a deep philosophical discussion comparing the freedoms of the west to the iron clad fist rule of Russian Communism. Jimmy Carter said ""you know, in our country we have prote…

A joke from my high school Latin teacher. This is why I still check Facebook Scientists had developed a race of genetically engineered porpoises that could live forever. Getting bored after many years of intellectual study, the porpoises asked their keeper to get them a book on Latin poetry that could amuse them. On the way back to the aquarium, the keeper spied a lion asleep on the road. Afraid to wake the lion, he quietly stepped over it and was immediately confronted by two FBI agents who pro…

A priest and a math teacher... die and go to heaven at the same time. St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates, and then shows them to their accommodations. He brings the math teacher to a luxurious mansion, with a hedge maze, marble columns, and a fountain. The priest thinks to himself, ""If the math teacher gets this, imagine what I might get!"" So he follows St. Peter past a row of large houses, a row of suburban houses, a row of small houses, a row of houses for rent, a row of apartment com…