Honesty is an important part of parenting. That being said, I'm going to tell my kids that McGruff the Crime Dog is a dog that loves crime.

If more than one mouse is mice, then more than one Spouse is Spice.'

[therapy] HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room? ME: I don't like to talk about him ELEPHANT: Ok wow I'm like right here man

When I'm empty-handed my dog doesn't know what the word 'sit' means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.

ME What's a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica! PENGUIN . . ME [makes flies over head motion] PENGUIN I don't know what that means

My mother would give you 11 dollars for a dog turd if you told her it normally costs 15.

[backstage at GOP debate] AIDE: Mr. Trump needs his hair. CAT: I'm puking as fast as I can.

Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.

Used a bag to pick up dog shit in yard, tiny ants all over it. Later, saw 2 ants on my arm. My body is now crawling w phantom dogshit ants.

"Give me 'bored.' Give me 'late for lunch.' Scowl at a tree. Scowl at a tree. Look at a bird like you hate it." - book jacket photographers.

There's plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.

What'sApp Me: Mom, what's for dinner? Mom : typing ... *gets married* *have kids* *gets old* *dies* *goes to hell* Mom: Fish, honey!

You're the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.

If Pokemon has taught me anything it's that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it's weak enough to enslave.

need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it

I still think Porky Pig got his stutter from an early jail experience.

Gatorade: "We no longer see a role for Tiger in our marketing." Under his breath: "Because 'Is it in you?' sounds wrong now."

*throws a rock at a bird* Me [writing in "science" journal]: birds don't like rocks.

My sweatpants just greeted me at the door like a loyal dog.

Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion! Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!

Dog Walking Business Idea: 1. Train every dog to walk another dog. 2. Put the dogs in a dog walking circle. 3. GO TO A MOVIE!

On the phone to the chinese food place & my cat's all chatty... I cover the receiver and hiss "Shhh, you want them to hear you?"

All the people that tried partying 'til the cows come home, are either stuck at home with a cow or dead from alcoholism.

Can't afford Sea World, so I took my kid to a fish market. Me: 'Shhh, they're asleep' 'Mom, they're breaded' Me: 'That's their blankie'

smh, I bought tickets to Disney on ice & it was just 2 hours of Donald Duck smoking crystal meth