After handing cashiers money, I like to caress their hand just to let them know all sales don't have to be final.

I wonder if Southern Belles say "I do declare" a lot when they're doing their taxes.

[At job interview] Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job. Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.

My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it'd take 2 days to come up with the money.

Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.

Listening to NPR during fundraising campaigns has prepared me to ignore my kids when they ask for money.

Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.

I just got off the phone with God. He's pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn't even know he exists.

I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.

Thanks to the Fed continuing to print money, a picture is now only worth 583 words.

When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.

If you attempt to rob a bank you won't have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.

Chasing away everyone who's ever tried to get close to you is a great way to save money on Christmas shopping.

If you're feeling down about yourself, it won't help you to know that Honey Boo Boo makes more money than school teachers.

My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money

Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around? Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet

News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change. But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.

If I could have back all the money I've spent on drugs and alcohol, I'd celebrate by buying more drugs and alcohol.

"where did all ur money go?" I'm either wearing it or i ate it

I've got a banana in my drawer that I took from the office fruit basket. In 3 weeks my co-workers will pay me to throw it away. Easy money.

If I had a daughter I wouldn't waste money on training bras, I'd trap wild bras and train them myself like our ancestors did.

*Burglar breaks into my room* *he looks around* *he softly wakes me up* Dude do you need some money or something? I'd be happy to help

I just want to buy an old Mercedes Benz,so people will think I have been rich for a long time.

If Paula Deen's new cookbook isn't titled 'Fifty Shades of Gravy', I'm going to lose a considerable amount of money on the bet I just made.

I hate it when celebrities ask me to donate to some fund, you make 30 millions a movie & I make $30 a day. You send money.